I'm Ready World

You know, I think and I analyze, repeat and rinse until it's squeaky clean :) I don't do it for long, just to get my bearings. BUT I always make a decision and move on. I don't like to waste time thinking too much...

So, I think it's funny how you choose a dream and you're like, YES!!! this is it - I'm moving to Galveston and living by the beach - to at least say I can check that dream off my list. THEN, exit minor dreams; enter bigger dreams :)

BIGGEST DREAMS: run my own coffee shop and become a writer. HELLO? Then, I was thinking and realized I'm related to a restaurant/bar/coffee shop owner AND she knows many in the writing industry. So, you think to yourself (or really myself - with my hands out in front of me like a scale) do I go to Galveston and live out a dream that truly would make me happy because I LOVE the ocean and always wanted to live by it OR do I begin to build skills for my SUPER dreams...I am all about learning something from 360 degrees, so guess what what tipped my scale? :)

You guessed it: I will be waiting tables at Byzantio's on West Gray in Houston, TX. Feel free to stop by and say hey :)

I am super excited to get to follow my dreams. I love to work with people and I love to see people having a good time and enjoying themselves - it fuels me. I remember sitting at the bar last night thinking, "wow, I won't get in trouble for being too loud anymore or laughing too much" which were typical comments to me when I worked in corporate america. How sad - I actually use to get in trouble for being myself at work. That goes to show you how much I didn't fit in corporate america.

Now, I can look back on that day I felt like I sold my soul to the devil and buy it back ;)

Listening

I discovered it last night. I went out to eat and I realized: I love listening to people talk. Last night my favorite part was listening to how much they love motorcycles and the feeling they get when they ride; oh, and the chance in life to guide their child through the choices about college and passion and the influence they hope to expose. To see the sincerity in their eyes.

The night before last with a 12 year old girl who was soooo cute!! My favorite bit was listening to her describe the beginning of the movie Resident Evil. I could have listened to her talk all night. To hear the confidence in her voice when she was describing her halloween costume, especially the confidence when she knew what to do and told her to dad to stop it.

Now, I'm not saying I can just listen to people ramble on about nothing. I'm talking about when people are really into what they talk about. I love to watch them talk about it and see their interest and passion in what they speak of. I love to watch their face and movement. Really, it is just calming to me, relaxing. It's fun to see where they are in their life and how they embrace it (or reject it). Especially, when they are speaking and you can see them thinking about it at the same time and have realizations in their head at the same time. Interesting. Truly interesting.

Don't get me wrong, I love my share of talking, but I know when to keep quiet and listen too. I know when it is someone else's turn to put it out into the world. I know when it is my turn to put it out into the world. I just find that I learn so much when I listen.

My own voice can be too loud for me at times.

No More Silhouettes

I'm ready
To rock n' roll
To make it right in my soul
Bring it all together
For once
Just once
Be me in everything I do
In my mind
My actions, my efforts

No more
Silhouettes of I what I want
Or wish
Or should have's
But truth
Honesty
Sincerity and pureness
In everything I do
My actions, my efforts

My way of life

Divorce

Although I have been sitting in Panera Bread for three hours my production is through the roof!!! Yay!! I finally finished writing up my visitation schedule - woohoo!!! Now all I have to do is submit it tomorrow and my divorce should be final soon there after. Hot damn!!!

There are so many emotions that went through my mind the first time I filled out divorce paperwork. I remember feeling like a loser, like I couldn't keep my marriage together, like now I'm going to have to check "divorced" on paperwork, that I would be considered a single mom, that my son is now to going to go "back and forth", I sincerely felt STUPID and how did I pick the wrong one.

Then it went on to why did I stay so long, what the hell was I thinking putting up with this, why didn't I have more self respect, I wasted too much time, I should have left right after the marriage, who needs marriage anyway, why do I have to wait so long for this to be over and my favorite thought of all "they should make you each contribute $1000 at the time of marriage so the cost of the divorce is equally covered".

But what the heck right? Shit happens. Life happens. We make mistakes. We learn from them. We move on. And, hopefully we don't make the same one again. At least I got my beautiful, handsome, smart, funny, witty son out of the deal :)

Having said all that, my life is actually going great and my son and I are at a good place in life.

Too Many Factors

Oh my! So I have a huge sensitivity to anesthesia that makes me extremely depressed for two to three days, or until it is completely out of my system. Yesterday I had a colonoscopy, yes, I really had one and I am blogging about it :) Anyway, they give a mild anesthesia, so of course, the depression set in yesterday. I couldn't sleep last night because of it and then today I couldn't not sleep because of it. It's weird, no? That anesthesia does this to someone? Then, I was talking to my friend Courtney and she said the same exact thing happens to her. How funny is that? Really? She even said that when she had her wisdom teeth pulled was the worst episode - same with me!! I remember waking up from my wisdom teeth being pulled and I actually woke up crying and it didn't stop for like three days.

When I was nineteen I had my gallbladder removed and I remember being depressed but the post-op pain superseded my depression :( So, although I was depressed and remember it, I remember holding my tummy in place feeling like my guts were going to fall out even more. Then when it all healed and I physically saw the incision, I realized how difficult it would have been for my guts to have fallen out of an inch and a half incision.

Then, last November I had a HUGE mass removed from my right arm and that time I clearly remember being depressed. I remember sleeping all the time (mostly because of the pain pills) but I remember wanting to coat check my responsibilities for a few days.

Well, this time, I have the anesthesia depression AND PMS. Hello!!! Can you say toxic concoction? Say it with my "toooxiiic coooncooooctiiiooonn". Last night I was crying, this morning I was crying. I only slept last night from like two until five-thirty and then again from seven until ten and then AGAIN from two until about four. What the heck! And every moment in between I just want to lay there like a zombie.

Irony: I'm a pretty happy go lucky person. I mean, I'm not perfect, but for the most part I think I am happy. I'm not really used to being depressed and especially not crying for no reason.

So all this is just killing me. I almost even wrote a sad poem, but I had to draw the line :) I refuse to write a pity party poem - ha! That's just not me. Let me deal with something and move on! I feel like if I feed this mood it will continue, you know? For instance, in the car I was listening to some rockin' music and my mood was great. I know it will all be done by Sunday but the interim is suffocating!!!!

Boo depression! Yay life!

Woohoo! I can blog from my phone- hot dawg :) So an aggravating post surgery factor is having to pick off all the goo that remains from those things they stick

Words

Letters shuffling in my head. Words in and out. Rhyming. Synonyms. Prefixes. Suffixes. Spoonerisms. Dictionaries. Thesauruses. Words that I've said. Words that I want to say. The etymology of words. The origins.

Does anyone else think about this stuff? My brain is constantly thinking about this stuff. I LOVE WORDS. I love to think about them; to learn them; to use them.

Moosehead History: My first language was Greek. My family didn't feel the need to introduce the English language in the home because I would learn in school. So, off I went into Kindergarten with English as a Second Language. Hello? I remember when my teacher would right things on the chalk board (specifically the word watermelon) and I had to learn how to spell it, read it and know the meaning. I think because I had to learn it from scratch I had a slight deficiency in vocabulary.

As I grew older, I also grew irritated and frustrated every time I would hear common words that everyone else knew and I didn't. For example, plethora. I remember hearing a friend use the word, plethora, and I had to run home and look it up. :( My inadequacy in vocabulary fed many other inadequacies, like reading. I hated reading because I spent half the time looking everything up. So I made a plan.

I don't really remember when, but I want to say it was around 18? Maybe, I could be totally off, it could very well have been middle school or even college. I just don't remember. I bought a pocket dictionary and began a mission. I looked up five words a week and had to use them EVERY day. Oh yes! Every day! The task was challenging but well worth it. I started to read more on purpose and took the time to look up every word I was unfamiliar with. TIME CONSUMING!!! but an investment.

Through all these efforts my vocabulary grew tremendously and my reading skills were at a peripheral advantage. I found myself reading every day. I couldn't put books down until they were done. I remember spending an entire day or even two reading non stop to finish. I even remember being sad that books would end.

I guess this is the origin of my love of words. And books for that matter. Something else I picked up along the way: I will always ask what something means if I don't know, no matter how common it sounds.

The Revamp

Okay. So I am going to revamp my blog in the upcoming days. Be patient with me :( I will break it down into three blogs. One for simple journal blogging, one for my poetry and one for my reviews. Check it out in a couple of days. I posted my first review today :)

The Path

My, my
What the world didn't know
Is that my heart goes with the flow
With every punch I roll
And through the parks I always stroll

I can not seem to escalate
My anger past what's not it's fate
I take what life brings in stride
I just sit back and enjoy the ride

An obstacle is just a guide
Not a reason to run and hide
To look around and see what's there
And figure out which path I dare.

I miss you blog :(

OH MY!!! A week of not blogging could truly kill me :( Where do I begin? So many things happened since my last blog. First, I went to Disney World with my four year old son, a friend of mine and another friend's son. Second, I was let go from my job. Third, new life plan - going to New York City for a few weeks (maybe a month, depending).

Let's go in order: Disney World! Woohoo!!! Loved it! Stayed at the Marriott Grand Vista, which is an amazing resort and very reasonably priced. On day one we went to Universal Studios and Ryan rode his first roller coaster - The Mummy. It was an awesome ride. And Zach shivered through this first ride, a simulator :( Day two: Zach and I chilled at the resort. We swam (well, I did, Zach hates water), hung out at the pool bar/restaurant and watched TV. A very relaxing day 2 it was. Day 3: are you ready? Wait for it...wait for it...Magic Kingdom. AWESOME!!! Zach rode his first roller coaster - Thunder Mountain and didn't like it one bit. Maybe he was switched at birth? Everything I love he loathes. I simply don't understand. But we had so much fun!

Number two on the list: I found out on Friday, in the middle of my vacation, via text, that I was let go at work. What the hell!!! My favorite is that they emailed me the letter. Yes folks, email. Companies are apparently not above that - really? Not to my face. No cojones? But the beauty of news #2 is that I get to jump right into topic number #3.

I'm going to NYC baby!!! Yes, yes, yes...for at least two weeks. Really it's to help out my mom with packing up the apartment, but don't think I won't get in some playtime ;) I'm so stoked! especially in the fall - how beautiful! The downer is that I will probably be up there during my birthday :( and the other downer is that I will miss all my friends, but I will have a glass of wine for each of them :) I am daydreaming about where I will be eating: El Porron, Joe's Shanghai, OH! the felafel man on Park Avenue (the BEST, I mean the BEST, felafel sandwiches in the WORLD)...oh, the list goes on and on :)

Anyhoo - This is just the beginning of many changes to come but NYC is definetely a good break to get it all started :)

Good night!

Dreamy

I am not sure how it happens, a bug
The tickle, the tug
In my head and all the while
It widens my smile

From ear to ear it gapes
A window as my happiness escapes
My eyes so dreamy and lost
The image in my mind embossed

Of what a love by two could be
Only an image embraced by me
Of holding hands and walking close
It's in my mind as just a ghost

The thought will not solidify
Not this day or until I die

When I Ride

When I ride,
I like the push
Of the wind.
The resistance
Against my skin -
My lungs

If could close my eyes
And just listen
I would enjoy it that way
The night,
Is that way
I am incapable to see it--
As well.
But I can hear it--
Well.

The day brings it that way
To my eyes
My vision
My sense of sight
I would benefit
From the colors
The movements
The actions
Both near and far

Any time
I can smell
Feel
Touch
The whole experience
When I ride

Destiny VS. Coincidence

Does anyone ever think about this?

My first year in college and my philosophy professor asked us that question and then asked us to write a paper to defend it. That's when my wheels started turning. Until this day I think about the question and how confused I am by my own beliefs. It's weird. I thought I knew what my opinion was in this matter but I remember sitting in that class and realizing "My opinion is quite flawed". In the grand scheme of things does it matter, NO, but I like to think about topics like this.


According to www.dictionary.com:

des·ti·ny   /ˈdɛstəni/ Show Spelled[des-tuh-nee] Show IPA
–noun, plural -nies.
1. something that is to happen or has happened to a particular person or thing; lot or fortune.
2. the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.
3. the power or agency that determines the course of events.
4. ( initial capital letter ) this power personified or represented as a goddess.
5. the Destinies, the Fates.

co·in·ci·dence   /koʊˈɪnsɪdəns/ Show Spelled[koh-in-si-duhns] Show IPA
–noun
1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance: Our meeting in Venice was pure coincidence.
2. the condition or fact of coinciding.
3. an instance of this.


When I read the definitions and discussed it in class, some 14 years ago, I remember sitting in my chair and thinking "all this time, and I don't even know, hmmm". Regardless, I LOVE to explore the discussion :)

I enjoy looking at the topic from a few positions. I would like to look at them bit by bit so I may process and study a little bit more. I don't want to post any analysis ignorantly. Hopefully sometime this week I will post the Christian views.

Please feel free to post your opinions or comments on this subject. Even if your comments are challenging, I welcome it because it makes me learn more about my beliefs.

Natural to Me

I know it is there
Inside my soul
Waiting to escape
To love, to hold
To give

You see,
When I can’t love
My pain grows

I like to-
Give
To love
To pour out my soul
To spoil

I love to share
And laugh
And smile
When I can do these things
My heart grows
I am happy

I can love with my eyes
With my heart
Like my breath
It is natural
To my physical being

I am cheerless
Because my love
Is so so stuck
In me…

Home

Where is home?
For my heart
For my soul
For my head to rest at night
On my way,
My mind won’t dread
Any part of settling in

To make me feel –
Whole, happy and sweet…

Kids...

My favorite part of dropping Zachary off at school is when we get out of the car in the parking garage and he runs to take my hand. There is such a sweetness when his hand is mine...it just melts my heart. I can see us in my mind, me: 35 and 5 foot four (I won't mention the weight :)) and him: 4, 3 foot six and 36 pounds. I look down and think about the day he will be as tall as me, as old as me. When his little hands will no longer be so soft and little. He relies on me and loves me; wherever I go he wants to go. He likes the music I like and even makes my songs his favorites. He always wants to hug and kiss me. Even when he acts like a boy he makes me giggle :)

As sweet as that moment was I walked into his classroom and then there's this other kid (who will remain nameless) but I couldn't refrain laughter. I was like the evil parent laughing at other kids. I felt soo bad but I couldn't help myself. This kid, we'll call him X. So as I'm walking up to the classroom X drops to his knees and starts the most dramatic, loud cry. Like the world was coming to an end and he was going to be left behind. He starts grasping at my clothes like a freaking movie scene and I just BUSTED out laughing. The teacher says "oh, he does that sometimes". I was like "he does this everytime I walk in the room, is he okay?". "Oh, ya, he just does this for no reason". I was laughing all the way to work - if you could have seen his eyes becoming bloodshot and the alligator teardrops shooting out. I'm sorry but it was such a funny site :) Yes, I feel guilty but sometimes you can't stop the laughter.

Then last night, my little Zachary in the car: Mommy, I want to sleep over at aunt Jenny's tomorrow night.
Mom: really? are you sure?
Zach: yes mom, really. I want to sleep over at aunt Jenny's. I love Jenny and Ryan and Jared, oh and Jason.
Mom: Okay I will ask.

Ten more minutes into the car ride: Mommy, who made the earth?
Mom: God did honey
Zach: Why mom? Why did he build it?
Mom: I don't know Zach, that's a good question. I will have to think about that one...hmmm.
Zach: I want some of the earth mommy - for myself
Mom: Okay sweetie ;)

Degrees...

Topic for the morning: degrees.

Does having a degree make someone: Smarter? More knowledgeable? Have a higher IQ? More responsible? More educated? More well rounded?

I don't have a college degree, in fact, I dropped out of high school the DAY I turned 17. So, I missed out on nearly 3 years of high school - THREE YEARS. When I started college four years later I placed in college classes. What exactly did I miss? I mean, high school is suppose to prep you for college, right? Yet, I hardly went to high school and still made it directly into college - again, what did I miss? What were they going to teach me that I "needed" for college? Apparently nothing.

Then, let's go a step further...

College degrees. Don't get me wrong, people who go through college and get institutionally educated - yay you!!! I'm not saying it's a waste of time, money or emotional investment - I'm just saying it's not for everyone. Also: don't get me wrong, I think there are specialized fields that one MUST be institutionally educated for, such as medicine. Obviously, I'm not making a statement and assuming it applies to everything or everyone.

I work in corporate America. I meet with executives. I analyze multi million dollar transactions. I analyze market quotes and ensure we are within limits. I mean, where would a degree have benefited me?

If you asked me when I was 9 - 12 years old what I wanted to be I would have told you a writer; asked me when I was 14 I would have told you an aeronautical engineer; asked me when I was 19 I wanted to join the Navy; asked me when I was 20 I simply wanted to travel the world and be a citizen of the universe; asked me when I was 25 I wanted to travel the US exposing the political opinions of people (with Tammy :)); asked me when I was 26 I wanted to run my own IT business so I could live on the beach in Cozumel (again with Tammy - yay MOTI :)); when I was 33 I wanted run my own greeting card company and make them all artistically by hand; ask me now that I'm 35 I just want to be happy, a writer and live my life to the fullest.

When I was little I remember thinking to myself: My goal in life is to be able to hold a conversation people from every facet of life.

Have I achieved this? I think so.

I think back through all the experiences in my life and I was able to do some pretty cool stuff. Traveled so much when I was younger. Worked in great places and met some awesome people. At no point in my life did I feel the "great need" to get a degree. I went to school and started because I simply love learning - LOVE IT!!! but the degree was never a goal to fulfill me. I enjoyed taking classes in college that made me happy and I wanted to learn about - I could be a professional student - ha!

I never felt that an institution should grade my intelligence. I don't know why. I feel like my life experiences with my constant need to learn provides me a well balanced status that many will never get to obtain. Am I weird for this?

I think anyone can read a book and take a test, and do it over and over again until they have reached their mark - 120+ hours. And you know what, I have bought calculus books from Barnes and Noble and read them at home because it interests me - not because I have to. Or read about literature and philosophy - because they INTEREST me. Even economics interests me. I learn to truly learn - when I learn something it pretty much sticks, I don't learn to pass some paper test. I learn to build my knowledge base in life. I also learn through experiences. I learn from cultures and religions. Not just books. Books can't put it all in there :(

I know that through my corporate career I was passed up for promotions because I didn't have a degree and the hiring manager found out quickly that the one with the degree was a dumb ass - in fact the manager's husband said that when you look into her eyes all you can see is the back of her head...hmmm. This passing of the lenster happened on many occasions and it was a little frustrating but I realized that it is what it is.

I can't make people look at me differently and that's okay. I know at the end of the day that my lack of degree doesn't give me a deficiency.

I am extremely smart, knowledgeable, high IQ'd, responsible, educated and well rounded. AND I can sit at the table with people from any facet of life and hold a great conversation. The beauty of it all is that attained all this through my own desire not because I paid someone to teach me. Desire - maybe I can get a degree in desire :) Now that I have a PHD.

Anyhoo - education come from many factions: books, experience, common sense, etc. I can't judge someone by a piece of paper on the wall.

Just Went...

So, Jenny and I had a discussion many moons ago and she looked at me and said, "what if we get in the car and just went somewhere, anywhere". Since then, my escape description is to "just went". I am ready for a "just went" moment in my life. Sometimes I just want a break. To sit on a beach and vegetate, watch the waves and listen, feel the sand in my toes and the salt bake on my skin. To me that is the ultimate escape. I don't want to give up on my life or any of that, I just want a little escape from everything. Does anyone ever feel that way? Am I weird for this feeling?

When I picture my perfect life this is what I see: I see me in a Jeep, living on the beach, working somewhere I can serve people and be a writer(I am a true servant - I love to serve people, I don't know why) whether it be waiting tables or working non-profit, I want to eat food from the ocean and grow my own vegetables and herbs. I also, want a great entertaining house; not anything fancy but something I LOVE, on the patio have a chiminea or fire pit for cooler nights and cute lights, a grill for all the yummy seafood, somewhere Zachary can around and no one complains and his friends can always come over and play, somewhere I can have all my friends over and sit outside and chat and drink wine. In the mornings I want to be able to sit out on a porch or patio and listen to the ocean and drink my tea or coffee - even when it's cold outside (that's actually my favorite - is the beach in the winter all bundled up), I like to sit in a rocking chair and put my feet on the rail (my fave!), yes...this is what I want.

Then I look at my life and wonder am I doing anything to move towards this? No.
Am I working in the service industry or writing? No. (except for my fun blog)
Do I own a jeep? No.
Do I live near the water? No.
Does Zachary have somewhere to play? No.

So what the heck!?! What am I doing in my life to make me happy? It kinda looks like nothing! I thought I just needed to make a plan for my career move but it looks like I might need to make a plan for my entire life. Woohoo!!! This is the fun stuff in life, right? When you get to make changes :)

So, I definitely need to "just went" whether it's for a weekend or even a day but it's time to get this ball rolling...

I just want a raggedy jeep
No doors or top
Just loud music to feed my soul
No shoes on my feet
So I can feel the pedals under my toes

I like wind blown hair
Tank tops and shorts
I can drive all day
And watch the scenery go by
I'll stop any moment along the way
To make sure I've seen it all

I consider myself a little bohemian
To learn from life lessons
I let my hair hang down
I walk on the grass with my barefeet
And I don't need the monetary things

That's not what makes me happy
Not the things I hold
But the things I cherish
The sand under my feet

A smile
A glance
A touch
Nothing to buy
Can fulfill me

Highlights

OMG!!! I went through my big closet with Jenny yesterday evening and we CLEANED IT OUT!!!! Out of 15 boxes there is only 1 left. Still a few boxes to go through but I love the PURGE :) AND lots of stuff for the garage sale...yay!!!! I'm cleansing...I said it in my poem and I'm doing it. "My heart needs an impurity cleanser..." It's time for some changes in my life so don't be surprised if weird s%!t starts happening. I am on a mission and for those of you who know me, know that when I have my eye on a target I'm going to get a bulls eye :)

I am tired of having things in my life control my happiness. It's time to take charge - it's time for me to control my happiness. Right? Yes, it may sound silly but sometimes you have to go through a literal cleansing to get to the emotional/spiritual/career cleansing...did you get that hint ;) ha!

My old manager at Marathon told me a little story once and it is a good guide in life. It goes like this:

A man walks up to an old timey general store and a dog is laying there moaning. Another man is sitting in a rocking chair next to the moaning dog.
The man who walks up asks the man sitting "why is the dog moaning?"
"Because he's laying on a nail"
"why doesn't he get up?"
"because it doesn't hurt bad enough"

Aha! WEll, the nail is killing me and it's time to get up. Yes, sometimes I live in a life of parables :) but if that's how I learn, so be it! Next, I have to make a plan, but needless to say, I'm freakin' excited for the changes that are going to happen in my life! EXCITED!!!! I'm ready, willing and totally able!!!

Anyhoo - OH! Last night at like 1 am Jenny and I went to House of Pies and guess what? We found a Fabio/White Snake hybrid. HA! Yes, we drove around twice just to get a good look at him...quite funny. Where do people come from? Do they never look in the mirror? I don't mean to judge, truly, but come on people? The 80's happened 20+ years ago.

So, my day is ready to go. Unfortunately, I am at work until about 3ish today. Then a good rothko visit.


Have a good day!!!

Fun Times...

So, here are a series of events that can make anyone admit life is good...

1) Pub quiz charity event at Gallant Knights (where I discovered a super drink!)
2) 59 Diner breakfast for lunch (I love dipping toast in the yolk of over medium eggs)
3) Super good company and conversation - that never runs dry
4) Awesome music
5) A Whole Foods picnic on the living room floor consisting of: 4 different cheeses, a pickled assortment, some good a$$ salami thing, ciabatta bread, rasberries, good white wine
6) OH, did I mention good company and good conversation?

Really? Does it get any better :) Honestly, people, you should be jealous ;) It's good times like this that make me happy and realize how good it is to have people in your life to share them with.

Corporations

And so I have surrendered
To the wrath of corporations
My heart needs an impurity cleanser
Cause it is filled with trash and ignores my imagination

And so, the ladder stands
With its shadow on the ground
I stare at the palms of my hands
Hoping nobody is around

This moment I have dreaded
Afraid of this corruption my entire life
Always thought to be quite level headed
Should I surrender and just be a wife?

Overwhelmed by the size of the structure
Minute next to the entity of power
The strength and force could easily puncture
A whole into the delicate petal of a flower

The wrath could knock me out
Off the top step of this ladder
I’d loose all of my influence and clout
And then wonder why did all of this matter

E.D. Vastakis
Late 1998

What to do...

I can't take it anymore :( Corporate America kills me. It makes me sad to know that I am contributing to such a faction of society :( I want to do something worth while - that makes me feel good about myslef. So when I walk away I know I've contributed to the good of the world. There was a day that working in corporate america was a poison to my thoughts. I gave in. I surrendered to capitalism and monetary satisfaction.

In 1998 I took my first position working for an oil & gas company. I wrote a poem about it. I read it for the first time in 12 years and I can still remember the feeling I had like it was yeterday. I will post it after this entry. It makes me sad. I know life happens and you have to support your kids. How is it good for Zachary to see me not happy with my choices in life or not seeing me stick to what I believe in. It makes me sad to think that he will know this side of me. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach.

I want Zachary to stand up for what he believes in and make sacrifices accordingly. Not to give in to societal pressures. I want to him to go after his dreams. I want him to see me do these things and use me as a role model.

A lot to think about lately on this matter :( Lots of soul searching. As usual, I will roll with the punches and make the best choices I can.

I figured it out...

I figured out why I like the soreness after exercising. Becuase I feel like I have built muscle when I am sore, which then means each pound of muscle is burning a natural 35 calories per pound (per day - i think it's 35 calories, or around there) for just being there, which then makes me feel like I have made an impact on my goals, which then makes me feel good :)

This is why it is so important to strength train along with cardio. People are under this illusion that they need to burn off excess fat before they should build muscle - but they go hand in hand. The more muscle you build the more calories you burn throught the day, the more fat you burn.

I missed out on belly dancing yesterday because my friend Amanda cancelled :(

I'm telling you all - excercise is going to be part of my life forever!