My Angel

What it means that you're with me
You've changed my world and how I see
The little bits throughout the day
Are colorful, no longer gray

I walk around and think of you
Your perfect eyes and what they do
To my heart, at just the thought
They make my heart beat at a trot

I daydream of our future nights
Your soft, sweet touch as you hold me tight
Your gentle lips, when they touch mine
I get lost in you, I get lost in time

You are my angel, you make me whole
You stole my heart, you fill my soul

Love

What is love? Have you ever tried to truly define it? Every time I ever try to it is just a series of examples or actions or thoughts, never truly a "definition". I figured out why, because it is UNDEFINABLE :) Love is different for everyone and every relationship.

The first time I ever experienced love was when my son was born. Undescribable! I never knew I could love a human being that much! It was amazing, undefinable, the most amazing feeling I've ever known. I want to help him become the best man he can be. I worry about being a good mom. I worry about making the right choices.

That is one kind of love...the mother/child kind of love. Then there is intimate love. I went through 36 of my life thinking I was in love with men, only a few of course. Always insecure in the relationships. Always worried if they loved me. Always trying to be a good woman to men so they would "love" me.

I actually had given up on love and just wanted to be single. It was too much work. Too time consuming, confusing, frustating, emotional (the negative emotions). I always daydreamed about true love though. The way I wanted to be loved and a man who loves the way I love them, enjoys my gestures, accepts me and all my quirks, understands me, enjoys me, appreciates me....and a man who I feel the same way for. A man, who when I think about them, makes my heart melt, who I could look at incessantly, who I would do anythin for, who I always want to be near.

Then, on September 11th of this year...I experienced true love! I found the man of my dreams, who does all the things I hoped for and more! I man whom I love so much I didn't think it was possible. The same way I felt with my son but intimately. It's amazing how all those years I thought I loved until I met Craig and then I realized what love really is---It is undescribable! I have NEVER felt this way about any man in my life!!!

He makes my heart melt! He makes me smile at the thought of him! There is no true definition of this love because words can't define the way I feel for him. I always want to scream out loud how much I love hime!!! He is truly my EVERYTHING! I am madly, deeply in love with this man and the happiest I have ever been!!!

I love you baby!!! With every little piece of me!!

my comments on the "better" poem

You know, life is funny, strange, exciting, and so much more!!! I wrote a poem, not too long ago, about how I wanted to feel about a special someone. At the time, I wrote it on my desires not on any particular person. Here I am, a few weeks later...and I absolutely know who my heart wrote it about :) there is a special someone in my life. I recently met him and have never felt about anyone the way I do about him. It scares the Shit out if me, but anyone who knows me, know fears has never stopped me from anything! Well, maybe skydiving lol! But seriously, I have had a flood of emotions with him that I am truely enjoying! Everything about him is amazing! I know with time I will find the imperfections, we all have them, but I know they make him who he is and his perfections wouldn't be sooooo great without the imperfect bits :) I am so happy I met him and heart melts at the thought of him! I am so excited to see where this goes :)

Anyhoo, good night world!

Your happy, crazy about him, Eleni :)

Better

This is the end of the line
I've crossed it one too many times
Trying to to find you in my darkest of nights
There were days I wasn't lonely
There were days i wasn't scared
Still I knew there was another man out there waiting for me

So I waited
I always waited for someone better
But you're my better baby
And it doesn't get better than you

Lifes been hard and its been rough
I'm like steel and man I'm tough
One thing I know
It could always be worse
And lifes too short to stop and get stuck
So Im always lookin for the better to come

So I waited
I always waited for someone better
But your my better baby
And it doesn't get better than you

Arcane and inspiring
My own thoughts
Move me
To write, read, be better at everything

Always in motion
Be it spiritual or physical
But sometimes very very still
Content with whatever my soul chooses

My body knows no better
With my soul at the helm
To wonder the world
And learn, live, love

To know that I don't know it all
To aspire to learn ad much as I can

To live like there is no tomorrow
To let my soul live it all

To love without expectation of love in return
And let my heart love without walls

I love the way love feels
Through my mind
And my heart
In my hands
And my soul

When I look in someone's eyes
And see their spirit alive

all done

It's done
All done
I want to cry
But there is nothing left
Thank God!

My anger cured me
Of my insanity
My love for you

I have loved you for so long
With my whole heart
And soul
And I get to cleanse it all again

And start fresh

the now and the truths

I am who I am
My soul makes me
Defines me
Speaks the truth
About me

My actions don't make me right
Or wrong
My feelings don't make me weak
Or strong
My soul makes me everything

One day I remember
One day I don't
That's the human in me
To forget that my soul makes me
That my soul is me

Other fractions
The human fractions
Are just symptoms of having a soul
I know
Outside my body and inside my soul
Lies the now
The truths

the world as i love it

What does the world see that I don't?
A curious desire I will never know
To see it all
To know

It's the desire in me
That I love
I cherish
Childlike
And innocent

Like running in the fall leaves
Or splashing in the sprinkler
Playful and rosy cheeked
I love the world with my innocence

Open to what it brings
excited to see
And make new friends
From every corner of the earth
Excited too see what lies
Around the bend

waiting

If you could see me in the nude
My heart bare, in front of you
Naked, no disguise

Underneath the calloused layers
My heart is there
Waiting
Waiting

Full and already in love
A diamond with no one to see
Translucent
Just a shadow of my soul

Unheeded and aware
Everyone is so far
So unreachable
A moat around it all

Patient yet anxious
Peaceful yet on guard
Waiting
Waiting

Resistant to time
Of every minute
And day
From dusk until dawn

Waiting
Waiting

my soul

It's what I see in me
I know
It's the truth in my soul
The truth as only I...
Know it

My own,
My very own
My secret
My identity

The gaze from my soul
As it sees the world
And loves it
It's perfection
And completeness

You can not wear my glasses
Or my shoes
Or the weight on my shoulders

But you also
Can not have my strength

just one

I want to love and be loved
In equal strength
Like two doves
Who fly the length

A pair in heart
A pair in flight
Won't grow apart
With love's delight

Heart and soul
I give it all
I feel most whole
And most tall

When I give
I feel complete
That's how I live
Without defeat

I'll never fail
At loving you
A heart's not jail
It's meant for two

If only I knew
Who you are
For you I flew
Both close and far

One day I'll find you
And I'll know
You love me too
And it will show

We will fly into the sun
We will be two, but our hearts....just one

Father's Day

Wow, I never realized how important father's day is to so many. My dad bailed on me when I was 5ish. Through the years I know I became a better person for not having him in my life, but I always notice when men are good dads. It is so important for kids to have a male role model in their lives, expecially a positive one. I have met men who are just AMAZING dads. I have met men who suck as dads.

My friend Forrest is one of the amazing one's, in fact he is one of the best dad's I have ever met. His relationship with his daughters is absolutely beautiful and you can see how much they love and respect him. Sometimes they would rather give up social events because they miss him and want to see him, that speaks volumes!!! His girls are as amazing as their dad too!!! It's just nice to see a man incorporate his children in his life as part of it, instead of a chore and inconvenience.

I don't know how I ran on that tangent, but it must have been for some reason. Anyway, yes, I always notice good dads and maybe secretly envy them. I didn't realize how angry I was about my dad until I had my son and then the anger amplified when I saw him for the first time in 31 years, last December. In my eyes, he isn't worthy of the phone call to say happy father's day, but that's just me. I resolved the anger problem and moved on.

Dad's are an important role in their children's lives...they are the protectors, by nature and when you feel like you have no to protect you it sux!!!

Anyhoo, I still enjoy my life and everything I encountered, endured and survived made me who I am today :) And I like me, everyone I meet may not but ha! that's their problem lol!!!

Love you world!

Circles and Circles

Circles and circles
Around and around
No beginning or end
None to be found

Constant and flowing
Faster and fast
No prediction or triumph
With repetition of past

Tiring and exhuasting
Draining and dried
Any ounce of completion
Grows further each stride

If I could stop them
Just a pause but best hault
The thoughts in my head
Feed off my faults

An eternity in action
With flaws at the helm
Driving and driving
The thoughts that overwhelm

At least it's just thoughts
Not actions that mark
That leave people feeling
So left in the dark

The Universe

I smile
With every thought,
Every constant reminder
That I'm alive

The universe is complete
Completely perfect

I offer my breath,
My actions
Both good and bad
To promote the wheel of karma

What will come, will come
The complexity of life
The confusion of truth
With my hands tied, they come

And as I wait,
The next moment happens
Without regard of my patience
Or existence

I am insignificant
But important
I am a bit of the wheel,
Of the universe

A contribution to perfection
Yet imperfect myself
Contradicting and harmonious
What we will never understand

But what I know
And deeply love
Is my bit, my constant
Makes the universe complete

Completely perfect

I Wait

I can list you my flaws,
My errors
On a day like today

Unheeded doubts
Everything is wrong
On a day like today

I am sunken
Deep in the sand
With a tide rolling in
Deep in the sand
Trapped
Holding my breath, I wait

As the salt dries on my skin
My hair

I wait...

Morning

The morning rush
My cranial chaos
Putting it all together
The day
The time
My sanity

Sunshine
The anxiousness of my son
The contemplation
Rolling off my thoughts

There is no choice
No turning back
It is...

Morning.

Find its own fate

I don't seem to keep my eye on the prize
In my head I hear my voice feed me lies
But in my heart I feel the need
To write and write until my fingertips bleed

I can't stay focused when the time does lapse
Perhaps, I'm scared of success, perhaps
Or maybe, just maybe, I don't want it all
Maybe I would rather quit than try and fall

It tugs at my soul with a weight to release
The explosion it needs to create its own peace
Desire and greed to escape my mind
To escape and fulfil, both at the same time

I should let it all out and open the flood gate
Let my creativity flow and let it find its own fate

I don't need to

I think I know what it is
I think
And I think
And I think
But I never define

I think my spectrum of knowledge
Can fix it
And I think
I am strong
Enough to fix it

But maybe I'm not
Maybe,
Maybe I don't need to fix it

Driving

I design my own map
Yet I'm lost
If I drive the distance
Will I find most
Of what I've hidden

The scenery is grand
The breeze feels great on my face
The feeling of moving
Makes my heart beat fast

I close my eyes
To see it all
Thrown back over the seat
With the world
I am liberated

lovin' it

I often wonder why I love life so much. I don't have that answer but I do love it! When I'm alone and relaxing I love it! When I'm with people I love it! When I'm hurdling obstacles I love it! I just love love love all the time. Sometimes its actually frustrating LOL! Last night my friend asked me if it was hard being a single mom, and yes it is. It's hard as hell but I've never wished I had a different life, but I do always try to find a way to make it easier. I don't think I'm lazy when it comes to life. I don't hide under the covers for a day even. I get up everyday and face life.

It's fun....life. It's interesting to see, when something goes wrong, later down the road, why it happened.

I don't know why I felt like talking about this today but I did.

Anyhoo, have a good day world!

It is what it is

It is what it is
When I see you
In my dreams
In my heart
My heart stops
My heart beats fast
My dreams grow large
My everything is you

It is what it is

Figuring them out...

I will say: when I can't figure someone out it drives me crazy!!! What is it with peeps...why can't people be consistent and normal...well, really maybe I'm the abnormal one, but none the less, I'm consistent! I don't know...I tend to overanalyze too, but there is this frustration that gets me...ahh, as I was typing I figured out why it's so frustrating...it's because I don't know! I'm a very need to know person, which is a HUGE flaw! I don't need to know to the point of being crazy about it, but I am naturally a very curious person. Probably why I got in trouble so much as a kid..haha! And not knowing the "why" someone is acting different kills me, lol! But it is also a good learning lesson for me too! That not all friends are the same and I need to be willing to adjust to that...even though it drives me crazy, haha! Oh well, such is life! I still love my friends, even if I can't figure them out -- I obviously have to look inward on this one and see what I need to change about myself to be more mallable to my diverse friends :)

Anyhoo...never take anyone important to you for granted even if you have to change a little to make the friendship work...nite nite!

More Greek

I recently had a friend tell me, "I came into your life to make you more Greek" haha! I instantly thought to myself, 'No, I came into your life to make you less Greek' haha! Just kidding. But the reality is that in seeing him and all his Greek friends and, many of them being from GOYA, I realized something: it's not that I want to be more Greek, but I definetely want my son to have what my friend has. :) I want my son to grow up around other Greek kids and be part of the Greek community. I want, when he's 32, to have friends from GOYA :) and keep in touch with them. My friendship with him has probably influenced me to be "more Greek" haha, but shhh....don't tell him that.

So, I've decided to enroll my son in Greek school to learn the language, I may even join him in the church groups to get that community started within him...oh, and I'm definetely starting him in soccer (but that's just because I love soccer, not because it's a Greek thing).

Anyhoo -- I need to embrace my culture and heritage more, this I know, I guess I will try harder :)

People

Recently I have met so many new people and it is awesome! Some as aquaintances and some have become friends. Everyone has something to offer and some just want to take away. I really try to cherish my friends; I believe that true friends are in our lives for a reason whether we like it or not :) I also believe that there are different types of friendships. I have different relationships with all my friends--some are my recreational friends, some my sit and chat friends, some my go to bars friends, and some I like to do all of it friends...but ALL of my friends I love and cherish. It takes a lot for me truly want to build a friendship with someone...I don't like games and unnecessary childishness, I like real life relationships with my friends. And I don't call everyone I know my friend. I learn so much from them...all vary in degree, but I love to learn.

Anyhoo...everyone that comes into your life, comes for a reason and I usually don't try to figure it out...I just enjoy the moment.

Dallas Corrections :) lol!

I was corrected because I'm a little slow at times...lol! It was ZaZa's and we got peppered, slightly peppered, not shot at...haha!!!

The Dallas Adventure :)

Let me begin by saying I made a new friend about a month ago who has turned out to be an awesome amazing person! Well, it turns out he lives in Dallas which is near my uncles house.

So this past weekend I went to Dallas and ended up going out with said new friend :) OMG!!! Had such a crazy blast! Went to Sherlock's, ZhaZha's (?), Stratos, skeet shooting (i think we went trap shooting?, maybe, or clay...don't remember what he said lol!), went boating, out to dinner with some awesome, fun people and went out for coffee twice. I ran out of breath just typing it! haha!

Highlights of some funnies and weirds:

1) It took us THREE days to realize, hello?, lighters are a purchasable item..haha! we bummed lights for three nights out...

2) Went to ZhaZha's and the craziest fight ever broke out! There were two odd guys dressed in disco garb all the way up to fake mustaches that got knocked into the pool and one of the disco guys took it out on some kid (I say kid, but of drinking age) so bad that there was a pool of blood and the lights turned on and the bar shut down.

3) I have wanted to skeet/trap/clay (whatever it is lol!) shoot since I was about 15 and FINALLY got to go! It was so amazing! You get to be outside, it's challenging and it is so relaxing! I loved it!!! Not to mention, my friend is an awesome gunman! I mean awesome! A great teacher too! I'm not the easiest to teach...haha! I got a few shots too!! Made me feel good :) Ahh..I just want to talk about it forever :)Love it, Love it, Love it! I definetely want to persue that as a hobby!

4) THEN, during shooting, another friend of his showed up and we went out on the lake to chill for about an hour...hahahaha! yea right! What I didn't know was that the boat owner was taking it out for a trial run, after having fixed it all up...OMG!!! It was a great sign when the engine wouldn't start, then kept dying, then there weren't enough life jackets...it just goes on! It was crazy windy and the water was freezing...needless to say, the first 20 minutes consisted of me freaking out and bitching :( Sorry guys! BUT once we went at a chillaxed speed and could truly chill I loved it! I love being on the water...and the sun...and the wind...and the company.

5) Then we all went to eat with some more people...just had a good ole' time. I love just hanging out with people and laughing and talking. That is when I am most comfortable :)

6) OH YEA!!! I totally forgot - we got shot at the gunrange...hahaha! LOL! We were at opposite of other people and the pellets were hiting us...too funny! They hurt like heck and it was even hitting me on the jeans.

Anyhoo! This was one of those weekends you didn't want to end...just fun!

My Energy

My energy is so much
Is sometimes in front of me
And I'm always trying
To catch up

My energy is immeasurable
When I sit still
It inflates me
It drives me forward

I aspire to it
To make it proud
My energy
To fulfill it's every desire

Me

I am me
My flesh
My heart
My soul
My wholeness at once

If one faction
One bit
Weren't there
Then it wouldn't be...
Me

Being Domestic :)

In the last few weeks, during my state of unemployment, I have been taking care of my grandparents. Taking care I mean, cooking, laundry, dishes, doctors appointments, insulin shots, grocery shopping, errands, etc. I have truly enjoyed it! I am a bit in a rut looking for a job, but being domestic with them truly makes me happy. I really enjoy the cooking! One of my passions is meal planning and cooking :) I love it!!!! My aunt has a maid that does all the stuff I loathe :) So it's cool that I get to do all the stuff I like. For instance, laundry...I love to do laundry. Dishes and grocery shopping, love them both. I know, I'm weird - haha! To say the least. I haven't really left the house in a couple of days and I actually don't mind it one bit. I think this season of unemployment might actually be good for me. Not that I can do it forever, in fact I hopefully won't do it for very long. My spirit needs to work! I am by no means a lazy person. I love to go, go, go and this downtime is really teaching me how to calm the heck down! Not that it's easy taking care of them, it's actually a very busy job. My time management is down pact! I even squeeze in some laying out time between lunch and laundry :)

Anyhoo, sometimes I don't realize that whatever it is that I find discouraging is actually building a different part of me that I don't normally exercise.

Good day!

The Moon

The moon is alive
Radiant and outstanding
Lighting the way of the night
Making the darkest moments so bright

Glistening in the sky
With nothing holding back
Making glory with all its tides
Taking a stand with all it's pride

The moon is epic
Alluring and drastic
Arousing to the soul
Without it nothing would be whole

The moon, there when it can't be seen
Still breathing and permeating inspiration

See...what i said :)

So yesterday we had to take my grandmother to the emergency room because we thought she was having a stroke. :( Don't worry! It's all good...turned out she was dehydrated which was making her tongue sluggish and getting stuck in her dentures which made her slur and her smile crooked..who'd thought? Anyway, my point in all this...

While we were laying in the hospital I was wondering if she feels like she had a full life...a fulfilling life. I know my grandma is very regretful just by some of the things she mentions frequently. And I thought "how sad". It makes me sad to think people end up old and regretful.

I don't ever want to be like. So far I'm not...I have yet to regret anything...of course, now that I published that statement I'm sure it will bite me in the ass LOL!

I love life. Every bit of it..the shittyness of it because it makes us who we are...the greatness of it because it amplifies our beauty. When I love I love 150%, including life. I pour my heart into everything and everyone. I get hurt a lot because of this but I learn to deal...

I try to tell people when I love them...my friends, my family, my lovers...I always want important people in my life to FEEL important. You can't say someone is important to you and then they have no clue. Then they are really not :(

People always tell me I should "play the game" with men...but I don't have it in me. If I want to call, I call. If I want to reply right way, then I do. I don't have time for games. Sorry world. What you see is what you get. It's me, in the flesh. No embellished facade. No hidden agenda. No nothing. I am always exposed and vulnerable to world. That's a chance I take and I don't mind. I'm not scared of the consequences because the good bits make up for it :)

Love you world!

Singing in the Shower

Okay - so I love, love, love to sing in the shower. I love to sing period. My favorite moments are when I am in the car and it is a picture perfect day and I can roll the windows down, blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs! There is just something that happens to me. I feel totally free and released...liberated...myself. I love it!

Goals Follow - Up

Okay - so goals aren't always easy but I have made some progress :) Out of four areas I have made progress on two. (which is better than none) My physical goal is moving right along: I wanted to lose 38 pounds this year and I have already lost 7 - yay! Which means I have lost over 40 pounds since last June - feels good to finally get back into clothes that I haven't worn in FIVE years - yes, count them, one, two, three, four, five! AND I am over 300 pages into a 1200 page book - yay! Goal is to read four books this year...

I love being able to measure progress. Okay, confession: something I learned in corporate america is to make measurable, attainable and time sensitive goals - and I still us that formula in my personal life. Something good did come out of corporate...haha!

So life is moving right along...even if I wasn't measuring my goals it would be moving anyway.

Love my life!

Anyhoo - hope everyone is keeping to their 2011 goals...love ya'll!

Scruffy

when will i see you again...
your mystique
gentle soul
pleasant to the eyes
and the ears

across from me
lanky and lean
yet fluid
and urbane

a dialogue with you
that was so smooth
inviting
fulfilling

i hope we meet again
soon
at table 3

Open

I am without guard
Without fear
Open and accepting
Excited and ambitious

Take it!
My heart

What is it?

What is it about life that is so awesome?! I wake up everyday excited, ready to go...hit the ground running. When it's a bad day I do get sad, but i try to find the positive in the situation and then instantly look forward to the positive. Does anyone else feel this way? I'm just always excited. Excited for everyone - when good things happen to others I am just as excited for them as I get for me.

Anyhoo--

Have a wonderful day world!

Over the Top Happy

The thing about myself that I like the most is that I can turn any situation into a positive. No matter how bad...

My heart...

My heart is my own worst enemy :( It makes me selfish...emotional...unwise.

Over-sensationalizing

I saw that youtube clip mocking our media and their ability to over-sensationalize the freeze we had the other day.

It drives me nuts! The media takes any bit of information and blows it UP! What drives me even more nuts is the mass faction of society that falls for it. Really? Really people? How do you NOT see it? How do you not see that really the entire city of Houston can't possibly be frozen? Should we drive with caution? Of course! Should we avoid the frozen overpasses? Over course! But do you really honestly think that 579 square miles of Houston is ALL FROZEN?

Okay, let's take it the topic macro - the media does this to EVERYTHING! If a viewer is watching the news and in five seconds or less feels a rush of emotion on a topic and a sense of urgency about something, a reaction if you will, it is probably a false sense of feeling. That is what media does - they scare the crap out of you.

That is how they build their numbers - make more money - keep their jobs as journalists. THIS IS THEIR JOB PEOPLE.

If a piece of news is broadcast scale it down about 95% and that's your level of urgency. Oh, wait a minute, at that point there is no urgency - ha!

Anyhoo - there's my venting for the day! Don't get me started on how one sided it is - that's an entirely different entry :)

Fooled

I thought I found me
But I lost me again
In my laugh, my smile
The facade that could fool you

I fooled myself

If I peel the layers
I see it
I own it
Without pride

With the depth of my tears
And the pool of sadness

The Arabic Dinner Party

Wow! I had so much fun last night at my friend Jessica and Ala's dinner party. Ala's sister is visiting from Saudi Arabia and they hosted an AWESOME Arabic dinner party. The food was fantastic, the company was great and the game of charades, well, my team won, that's all I have to say. I love talking to people from other cultures, other religions. I was in a room full of Lebanese, Druze, Civil Engineers - no, I mean four out of four of the Middle Easterners all fit all of these criteria. Kinda cool - interesting. I find that younger people of the middle eastern culture is much more mature than americans of that age range. Totally a generalization based on my visit last night, so it's probably very over stated but none the less - that's the impression I got.

Anyhoo - I'm too too tired to blog today, just wanted to say that little bit. Nite nite!

Marriage

It's always fun to remember the conversations of people's drunken stupor. Topic of the night (previous night): marriage. From the opinion of two divorced people, both male and female.

I belive marriage is a concept, not a signatured piece of paper. I don't think that I will ever marry again. If I meet someone and it's that important to them, maybe, but then I will just wonder what they want :)

If I am with someone and they say they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone: that is marriage. It is committment, respect, selflessness, giving, cherishing, trusting, communicating, loving to spend time together, wanting to spend time together, doing things you don't want to because your partner wants to and them doing the same thing in return. Marriage is LOVE in all senses of the word. To be in relationship a level above your dating "level" relationship where you really want to spend the rest of your life with that someone, that is marriage, to me.

So, I ask you, why does the state of Texas need to endorse it? If you want to share your committent in front of God and your family and friends, then do it - but what does the Texas state seal have anything to do with it?

Okay - so as I sit here, of course I talked about this with my current peers. Some good points were brought up. My friend, Shawn, brought up a good point. How, for woman it may be a bioglogical need to have a "protector", a rock, security to protect herself and her offspring. Good point.

Still, I take that point and I say, what does the woman do when she doesn't have a "protector"? She steps up to the plate and becomes a survivor (that's my opinion, of course). She steps up to the plate and provides, protects, guides, nurtures, etc. her offspring. So, why did she need the man?

I'm not saying woman don't need men - didn't mean to take this topic off on a tangent, but I am saying why do so many woman want to be "married"? Why can't we live together and care for each other at a level of marriage and be considered married? Why is this frowned upon by so many, people, cultures, religions? In the Bible itself, when Rachel is "bedded" by the man and they wake up and they are "married". Hmmm...so all they had to do was sleep together? Doesn't that contradict everything they teach us out of the Bible? Just a thought to ponder.

Anyhoo- nite nite :)

All is Good with Love and Religion

Okay, i'm over it :) ya, my depression doesn't last long - sometimes the thoughts will creep in on my but "bam" I squish like grape (from Karate Kid).

Last night I hung out with Jess, Ala, Salim and Zaina - what fun!!! Oh and Joseph for a little bit but he left - wuss :) We played charades - hilarious!!! We were cracking up laughing. That is what I like to do most, laugh. AND hang out and play games. I like to enjoy people's company. I would rather do that than anything else with my friends.

Then...religion snuck in...There goes the conversation. HA! But it was cool. It's so very interesting to hear people's perspective and level of passion when it comes to the topic. Some people are so cool and collected and others get very excited. Cute! I'm talking about Salim...he's very passionate about the subject. You gotta love him!

I love to think about it - religion and how the different disciplines guide people's lives. I firmly believe there is truth to be found in EVERY religion. Even the one's most fear, I'm sure there is something to offer the world. I think it's fascinating the "hope" religion gives people. You see, I don't believe in heaven and hell. Most people have a hard time understanding that. I try to be a good person for no promise of an eternal return. Most people don't understand me. :( But that's okay with me. I have a very firm belief...very firm faith.

I fully believe in one God and that he sent his son down. I don't believe in worshipping Jesus though. I give all credit to God - this is hard for my Christian friends to understand.

I believe in the Bible and that it is true BUT I believe in other religious documents too. I believe that interpretation varies greatly on these documents, including the Bible. My interpretation tends to be different and that's okay. I don't think I am "right" and everyone else is wrong - I just believe my way.

I am never here to convince ANYONE of my way. It works for me and that's all. I absolutely HATE when people try to convince me of their way. Just tell me what your beliefs are - sometimes I hear bits that I agree with on my own.

I love the good conversation of religion, faith, belief systems. I don't judge (i'm not perfect though), I try to love all, I always try to find the good in every situation, blah, blah, blah...I hate using the word religion when I say I love the conversation but it is such that drives people.

I started reading Siddhartha again because I like to feed my spiritual soul with it sometimes :)

Anyhoo - good day!

Weirdness

I think it's weird when you want to stop thinking about something and you can't. You, well I, try so hard and I can't. I even talk to myself about not thinking about it. It is driving me crazy!!!! I get anxiety over it. Most "issues" I am methodical about and just get right through it, but not this time. This time it is hard for me, really hard. It kinda has me depressed :( I just don't like it. I don't like being depressed - it aggravates me! Life shouldn't be lived depressed. I feel for people who are chronically depressed, I can't handle one day of it let alone an entire life.

Focus, focus: I need to focus on all the good things in my life - that's what I'll do. I have an amazing son, fantastic friends, a great job, a super sister, what else...

Do other people have this problem? Where you can't wait for the day you are not thinking about this "thing"? I know in time I will have forgotten but waiting for that day to come makes tired :(

Anyhoo - nite nite!

The Perfect's...

Today, Jen and I were driving and talking about what would be the perfect evening. A few minutes before I was saying how I wish the holidays weren't so bunched together. So, I started thinking about "the perfect's".

Perfect Meal
Filet Mignon - medium rare
A side of hollandais sauce to dip the steak in
Sauteed Aspargus
Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Creme Brulee

Perfect Calendar Year
New Year's - January 1
Thanksgiving - April
Christmas - August
The rest of the holidays can stay where they are :)

Perfect "night"
Pedicure
Glass of wine
Massage
Sex
Cigarette
Sleep

Perfect Life
House on the Beach
Jeep with no top or doors and big knobby tires
Professional writer
Own a coffee Shop
-All this is perfect only with my son, of course :)

Perfect Trip
1 Year - Anywhere, getting to work and live with the locals
Preferably - Europe and Asia - Especially Japan

Perfect Day
Coffee on the patio in my jammies
Breakfast at some hole in the wall
Nap
Picnic & Read at the Menil Lawn
Menil
Dinner/Drinks - watching a live band

Perfect Day #2
All day at the beach - I love the salty feeling you get on your skin as the day goes on
Eat fruit on the beach
Sail
Bike ride
-All of this near the water :)

Perfect Day #3
Sit at coffee shop all day and read, and people watch

Perfect outfit
Levi 515's - frayed at the bottom
White V-neck t-shirt
Flip flops
My leaf pendant
If it's cold - an American Eagle zip up hoodie & my pom pom scar :) but I would still wear flip flops

These are just off the top of my head - I'm sure I could have a million variations, I'm a libra :) but these are the ones I have actually thought about on more than one occasion.

Truely, who's to say if I had all these "perfect's" I wouldn't desire some other perfect, right? This was just fun for me to think about.

Anyhoo - nite nite...

My heart, my son

Today, my heart left
Today, my son left
The space in my chest
Empty, like a catacomb
Like a cacoon
Waiting for the butterfly

My heart weeps
A willow tree
A weeping willow tree
I droop in my heart
I sag
In my eyes

I will wait
And soon my heart will be full
Although, to me
An eternity
When my heart fills
The joy will inundate
My sould

Unscathed

Where is it
In my heart
My mind
My fingers, my toes

How do I even begin
To look
How do make my eyes
Search unscathed

Different and Better 2011

I am always looking to make myself a better person. True, I should do it all the time but turning points, like a new year, are always a good benchmark. I want to 2011 to be a better and different year. I have made my goals for 2011. Here we go:

Physical - lose 42 pounds by eating healthier and riding my bike (I lost 38 pounds in 2010) - OH, and attend Bhangra 'n Bollywood dancing classes with my friend Amanda at the JCC

Mental - join a scrabble league of some sort, to exercise the brain & commit to reading four books this year - I know it doesn't sound like a lot, four books, but with a four year old it's nearly impossible to find time to read, I use to read four books in a month...

Spiritual - Learn about the Islamic culture and religions belonging to it by researching and attending their churches/Mosques and cultural events.

Financial - to save money - ha! right? this one always wavers, any amount of money I can keep in my savings account will exceed my goal - ANY!

These are my tangible goals for 2011. Pray for me :) ha! No, really, I hope to achieve them all and learn and grow from them. Life is too short to just sit around. I always love the spiritual goals because that means learning about people and what they believe and most importantly why they believe it.

Anyhoo - nite nite!