Three Things to Talk About :)

1) BRILLIANT!!!!! That park they just renovated at Market Square (I think that's what it's called) has a Niko Niko's walk up stand built in - how cools is that!!!! and a stage, chairs and tables, and a dog park - it just looks cool!!!! I need to visit La Carafe - haven't been there in ages -but it is a COOL bar.

2) 59 Diner - woke up laughing to myself thinking about Saturday night. Picked up a friend at 1:30 a.m. and we didn't leave until 4 ish...oh the night crawlers!!! it was so much fun!!! I love to people watch - yes, it is entertaining in the middle of the night. It is sad that I'm laughing at some but it is just sooo fascinating to see people from all facets of life. Even the non-typical ones. I feel bad sometimes because I just love to stare at them, but it's not out of meanness just because I think they are so interesting. I wonder what they do for a living, do they look like this during business hours, why do they dress so strange, just questions....just curious.

3) Exercise - yesterday I did pilates. Ouch! It works your core so it is very concentrated isolated work. It is HARD but a great workout. When we were done I had jello legs for quite some time, then today I am a little sore but you know it's always the second day that stinks!!! :) Again, totally worth it. SECRET: when I am sore in a particular muscular area, I repeatedly flex it to feel the pain :) To remind me how good it is :) NO JOKE! So, exercise is going to become part of my life. That's it! I love it, it makes me feel good, sleep good, carry less stress physically. Why would I keep it out? Hello? Why does anyone keep it out? All the health benefits that come with it: it helps regulate any of the "highs" - blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. It helps bone density. What else? Oh, I don't know but it just keeps your whole body, mind and soul in check and that is a great thing!

Hmmm...now I'm thinking again. About our souls - how do we feed our souls? That's a whole different entry ;)

NOTE: I am NOT a doctor so please don't adjust any regimen in your life based on my blog ;)

Funny Article

I wrote this article quite sometime ago and the incident intself was probably 15 years ago. I thought it was funny reading it :) So, enjoy.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2157487/no_heat_and_no_window_.html?cat=16

Like Ducks

Our bodies
Like ducks
Repel water
Gliding in life
Happy, together, enjoyable

Our thoughts, emotions
Like the feet of a duck
Working so hard
To get there
But there never comes

There keeps moving further
And further
Away…

Like ducks we must dip
And cleanse
Start fresh
And keep swimming

One day we will look back
And see
How far we swam

The Bottom of the Ocean

My thoughts settle
Sink
Weighted down
Like concrete blocks in water
Streaming down
To the bottom of the ocean

In the clouds of sand
Murky and confused
Struggling to see clearly
My hands swatting
As if,
I can grab each spec
One by one
Of the sand
Of the salt
And make way for me to see

Whew!

Back in the saddle! Ugh! Woke up not feeling so hot today and didn't get to work until 12 :( I totally think it was the pork sandwich I ate at the mexican/japanese restaurant. Getting a little better and I HAD to come into the office because we are crosstraining with someone who is leaving on Friday. :(

These are my thoughts today: Stress - something that happens to me but I have some weird ability to get over it pretty quickly. I was talking about this yesterday with Jen and I guess I don't really worry about things, even major things, because I feel worrying doesn't solve anything so why worry. Does that make sense? I'm not saying I'm perfect, there are times when I am royally pissed or upset or even stressed and I can't let it go, but for the most part I don't really stress over things. Also, sometimes people think that because I don't "look" like I'm stressing about something physically that I'm not thinking about it. Not true.

Here's how my brain works: 1) a problem arises 2) I have an initial reaction 3) I gain composure and decide to attack the problem 4) make a plan, lay everything out in front of me 5) act on it 6) actually get excited about fixing it. This is literally how I work. Probably the only thing I'm very methodical on. Most of the time I'm swirving all over the road.

I feel like stressing over things doesn't make it go away or get better. I'm not saying I don't do anything about it - I totally act on it but I just can't bring myself to stress over it :/ I feel like stressing makes me crazy and who wants to live life in a state of crazy? Right?

Needless to say, I am really good in crisis situations :) ha!

I don't know how I manage but I always believe whatever I'm going through - it could always be worse. AND NO MATTER WHAT - the glass is always half full.

Anyhoo - this is my spiel for the day :)

Who needs men :)

After staring at a very odd sized box in my room since Tuesday, Jenny and I put together bubs' bunkbed. The bed is from ikea...does thAt tell you how many bits there were? Two and a half hours later we have accomplishment! Wooohooo!!! Nite nite :)

Oh my, it's Sunday

Well, first of all, yay!!! Jen is my first and only follower :) LOL! Not that it really matters I write for myself but it is funny. Back at the office for a little Sunday work :( I'm sooooo tired and I still have to go home and put together Zach's bed. I had a super yummy lunch at this Mexican/Japanese fusion place - ha! It cracks me up but I got a vietnamese pork sandwich and it was super yummy!!!! Yes, there was soccer game on the big screens, there was latin music playing throughout and my to go bag was from Myiako's? hmmmm - rather questionable, no?

I got my aunt's bike today and I'm ready. I have yoga tomorrow, belly dancing tuesday and hopefully a good bike ride on Friday. Thursday I have some fundraiser at the Gallan Knight, which sounds like a blast! It is a pub quiz. Then on Sunday I have another fundraiser at Hickory Hollow to raise money for Sam B? I can't remember her last name but that sounds fun too, they are going to have a live band line up, art and food - hello? Does it get any better than that?!? OH! And then on Saturday I'm having a garage sale at my aunt's house.

I am truly a lover of live music. I can pretty much listen to anything live. It's my happy place :)

This week sounds tooo busy for me - I love everything I'm going to be doing but it almost makes me want to go hide under the comforter all week :) just kidding - I look forward to it - it's not very often I have something scheduled everyday. I'm exhausted just reading my own blog :)

Well, I'd better get some work done. I'm sure I will post again before I leave ;)

Ciao!

Pictures

Please note: all the pictures I post are my very own. Are they good? Probably not to you :) To me they are perfect! Tehehe. Most of the recent pics I post are from New York last year. Some are from here, but mostly New York because that's what I have loaded on this computer - ha!

I love to take pictures. I don't know why - I just know that when I find something I want to take a picture of my heart doesn't settle until I go get it...does anyone get that feeling about stuff? I'm even more like that with my writing.

Maybe it's my need to have the 360 degree perspective on things. Hmmm...I've never really thought about it before but when I do take pictures of things there is usually a long thought process that goes with it too. I will have to pay attention more often to see what my pattern is - not that it matters ;)

Anyway, I just wanted everyone to know that I'm not just sticking pictures up here for the sake of sticking pictures - that they are mine.

Peace out :)

How Do I Turn It Off?

My stomach in knots
As if holding my breathe
As if I hold it long enough
My wish will come true

And sadness looms
In my eyes
In my heart
How do I stop it?
Let it go?

How do I turn it off?

How do I stop thoughts?
Like a broken record
Over and over
Without desire to stop

Like thoughts
Want to torture me
And put tape on the switch
So my hand constantly
Slips over it
And can’t grasp
How

How do I turn it off?

Saturday

What is it about having to come up to work on a Saturday that pisses me off?!!! So we have a coworker who resigned and the only way for me to keep the workload and crosstraining in check is to work this weekend. I feel like someone is taking a little bit of my freedom :( I don't have to do it often so I'm not really complaining - it's just aggravating!!!! Anyhoo - I guess I should be working instead of blogging - tehehe.

Recap of Last Night

I finally saw my friend Courtney after a couple of months. I love how she and I pick up right where we left off. We might see each other 4 times a year and our conversations don't skip a beat. I love our friendship! She's one cool chick! We are total yin and yang :) I'm hyper, curious, spaz and she's calm, complacent and quiet. It's rather funny how well we get a long but we do. We have some of the most in depth conversations sometimes that I know I could only have with her. Funny. But then we have our girly days where we can talk about hair and nails and other mindless topics we choose. LOVE HER!!!

Well, she had a "ladies" party last night. If you know what that is then yay you - if not, I'm sorry, I'm not going to explain. When you get 8 women in a room to talk about these things it is something funny :) I mean we were 8 women with different levels of intensity about the topic - but i definetely learned a few a things ;) It was a blast and hilarious and even intriguing.

On my way home, I got on the phone with a couple of friends - each on a different phone call - and because my house has the world's worst reception I drove around in loops to talk on the phone for like an hour and half. I literally used a quarter of a tank of gas to talk on the phone. As I decided to end the conversations/drive my phone juice was running low and I realized I left my charger at Courtney's house - out in Katy. Not Mason/Fry Katy but old, historic Katy. UGH!!!! I wanted to shoot myself. At 1 a.m. I zipped right past my driveway and continued onto I-10, again. Back allllll the way to her house (she was sooo kind to get up at 1ish and put my charger on her doorknob), picked up my charger and made it back home by 1:45 a.m.

Waking up this morning was, let's say, not gonna happen. I was in and out of naps until about 1 in the afternoon :( What a wasted day! Maybe that's why I'm pissed about coming in today. :(

You know what it is? I'd rather be sitting somewhere reading and people watching.

Complacent

A swan dive
Into my hopes
My fears
Anxieties

Why do we have them?
To keep us moving-
Thinking?
To keep us on our toes?

How is complacency
Never apparent?
But to be educated-
Always apparent?
Longing to learn-
Differences

One Beat

The beauty in life
When you are unhappy
In a moment
Just wait
Another moment will arrive

The moments will happen
With our without you
Embrace them
Each great moment
Is only a beat in the rhythm

Movie - Before the Devil Knows Your Dead

Oh! Em! Gee!

Being that I had a crappy day, my friend John said I could pick any movie I wanted. I could have picked any chick flick I wanted. So, I picked Before the Devil Knows Your Dead. Ethan Hawke and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are both phenomenal actors and in this film they rocked.What I thought was going to be a total action film turned out to be a very thought provoking, emotional roller coaster. The plot takes turns that are unfathomable to my tiny human mind. Turns and turns that are gut wrenching and diseased to what most people think is normal. In the beginning the plot jumps to what you think is the climax but oh, does the plot thicken (no pun intended). I little slow in the beginning but fantastic movie. A little dark. I mean I saw things that blew me out of the water!!! You watch it and you think "what the hell!"

One of the things that really struck me about this movie is companionship. Companionship should be easy and simple. It made me think about what I want or look for. Really, since my separation with my ex I didn't think about that because I truly had no plans for it in my future. Watching this movie made me think about it a bit and realize what it is that I do want. I just want companionship. I can love anyone for a day or a month or even a year, but can I like someone for the rest of my life? I don't know that I ever want to get married again (not for now at least) but what I do want is someone to share my life with. I use to dream about romance but now I dream about someone whom I can talk to and share my innermost feelings. Is that weird?

I want someone that I can share my everyday, boring, mundane routine with and know that at the end of the day I can still sit down and talk about it. I want someone that I can wake up next to and just talk. That's all I want. I want someone who likes to do the same things as me. I want someone who will talk to me about life and changing and growing. I want someone who will hold my hand. I want someone who is my true partner. I want someone who will sit with me and watch the moon. I just want someone to be sitting next to me. I want someone to encourage me and inspire me.

In all of this, I want to do the same back. I have a very loving heart that scares most people away. I want someone who can handle that - everything I have to give. I want to be able to shower them with gifts and affection and love. Write them poems and take them on surprise trips. I want to be able to give 24/7 and them not get tired of me. I want to be able to see them sometimes every day and sometimes not and they don't care. I want to be able to have a girls night out and them a guys and its okay. But I want them to miss me when I'm gone. I want to have boring days where we each sit and read our own books but in the same room. I just want to know they are there.

I want to know that no matter what they will be there. Security.

I want to know that during the tough times in life they will let me be there for them.

I don't want it now or tomorrow. I want it when the time is right. I want it when I find the right person.

A companion in life. Mostly for the fun stuff and sometimes serious - is that weird?

I know this all may sound childish but these are the desires of my heart - I know, dreamy. I know this isn't going to happen tomorrow, it's just my wish list :) I just want the simple things. Nothing complicated - simple. It makes life so much easier.

Goodnight!

Quirks

So, I thought this would be fun and it will be a living document for me. I know we all have quirks but I thought it would be fun for me to try to list my quirks.

* I like room temperature tap water (a lot)
* I hate pulp in my juices - I will take the time strain a juice if I can
* I LOATHE toothepaste in the sink
* I love to eat with my hands
* I can eat a whole salad and not eat a single piece of lettuce - I like the toppings and dressing
* I dislike watching TV - except for movies
* I love to walk barefoot - especially in soft grass
* I love the taste of unsweetened tea
* I love it when it starts raining on you and that moment happens when you realize I'm too wet to worry about it anymore I will just get drenched and you stop running :) LOVE IT!!!


I will add as I notice. Feel free to post some of your quirks :)

Habits

According to Covey it takes 21 days to make a habit - I have three under my belt - 18 to go :) I have worked out 3 days this week and it feels awesome!!! My goal is to get 5 days a week of exercise. I'm not a very traditional person so exericse to me can be tango lessons at Discover Green or yoga or bike riding or anything that I enjoy that is building my physical fitness. I know me and I have to have variety - that is my key to success in exercise.

I rode another 9.1 miles yesterday with much less physical resistance :) woohoo!!! I will say, the bugs are aggravating! Almost brought me to my death :) Just kidding! But a dragonfly flew into me and scared the crap out of me so much that I was wobbling all over the road. Forrest's only response: if you fall in the bayou I will watch and probably take pictures. HA! Very funny! But it actually was funny :)

Something I know about myself is that I am extremely passionate! About anything, anyone, or anywhere I am focused on. Be it friends, hobbies, cities, health, etc. when I am into it, it's 150% of me that goes into it. I don't know why I am like this but I am. This has both good and bad sides to it - obviously. Upside is I get to experience whatever it is wholly and completely with every ounce of me and the downside, if I ever decide to stop I am left feeling a little down, okay a lot down :) i.e. this is why I'm working on my discipline and restraint :) What I like about this flaw/strength is that right now I'm totally into getting healthy - I am loving everything about it! I love that feeling of accomplishment. I just love it all! Clearly because I am so passionate about it I will be blogging about ALL the time :)

I know one thing, I am passionate and that makes me love to love. I take pleasure in things both big and small. When I am doing something that is the ONLY thing I'm doing. I love being able to do that. I love being able to enjoy a moment and it is the only thing I am thinking about. I like to think about the moment and every possible perspective my brain can come up with. 360 degrees of interest, it can be consuming at times but mostly rewarding. Am I weird?

Unchanging

All spinning in my head
Emotions of every nature
Mostly of the negative persuasion
Spinning!

I always speak the truth of my heart
And not waver of my beliefs
I’m not unchanging in my actions
But unchanging in my heart

Grounded, centered
A strong faith
I believe blindly
And truly
And without regard to what other’s think

I am pure in my love
In my principle
I am, in my heart the same
From a child

Events

So, my bubs (Zachary) turned four yesterday! Woohoo!!! After we woke up I told him it was his birthday and he goes, "Mom, am I grown up now?" How stinking cute is that?!?! I took the day off and spent it with him. We went to the zoo to ride the train and ate at Whole Foods with Johh, went up to Marathon to visit old friends, went to Ikea and bought his new bed and then ate cake and my grandparents house. What a fun, full day! Then on the way to drop off John, Zachary goes, "Mom, can I taste wine?" What the heck is that all about!?!?! Uh, no Zachary! EVER!!!! Just kidding, I'm very much a realist :) When we got home from cake he wanted me to put his new bed together but it wasn't going to happen yesterday so I put down his mattress and let him sleep on it - he was soooo excited!! It was all too cute!

On my health track - I went and did yoga on Monday night. OMG!!! It kicked my A$$! I could only do 30 minutes out of 60. It was hard! I'm still sore from it - but I LOVE that feeling of soreness the next day - LOVE IT!!! Especially when it's my abs that are sore :) It just makes me happy!

Isn't life just great!?! When you can do things that make you happy it seems like the seems that make you unhappy are so insgnificant.

Healthy

I am ready to get it together!!! So, I have been working on controlling my eating impulses and achieve a level of healthy eating that is effortless. Not that it's easy, but I want my brain to immediately scan through what I've eaten throughout the day and make a good choice for the next eat. Is this unreasonable? I feel like I am finally in control of what I eat (which is a feat in and of itself). Now, to make it a habit. A long term, life changing habit.

Going for a bike ride yesterday really made me think about how much more food I can eat if I just exercise - ha! Just kidding!

Truly, the ride made me feel good! I want to start developing good exercising habits as well. I actually love to excercise, I love the burn when it's happening, I love the sweat and sense of accomplishment. I even love being sore the next day. So, what the heck is keeping me? Me. Excuses.

I am going to borrow a bike from my aunt (thank you!) and I am going to start riding. Hopefully, more than once every seven years :) Commitement! Next I've got to make the commitment!

Venturing Out :)

Alright, so someone told me to add pictures to break up the monotany of my blog. I processed it and agreed so I am going to start adding some pics that I have taken. Be kind, amatuer at hand. :)

Something to Say

If someone is friends with you and knows you for at least 3 1/2 years. And in that time never once questioned who are as a person because your actions speak volumes in who are and what kind of person you are. Then tell me how after hearing words come out of my mouth can you judge me? 3 1/2 years of my actions isn't enough to for someone to know if they like you? hmmmm, interesting?

It angers me!! Infuriates me!!! I have never lied or actually with held information. I have always been honest about how I feel and how I am different!!!

I'm done venting :)

My Bum!!!

So, after about 7 years, I found myself swinging my leg over the seat of a bike. It was akward at first. I felt tall off the ground, exposed to the elements, scared of falling off the path into the bayou, visualizing my flight of projection as traffic runs into me but then I settled into the bike and fell into the experience. The ride was awesome! I like the daylight so I can see the view but after it got dark I could listen. I truly liked the contrast. I like using my senses one at a time sometimes - it's just nice and simple.

After riding a little ways, Forrest asked me if I was up for 10 miles. Hmmmmm...Insert thought bubble: I haven't been on a bike for seven years, I'm out of shape, overweight and full from dinner, and well, no. The alternative would have been five miles which sounded perfect. As we approached the five mile marker, he "shamed" me into the distant ten. I kid! He didn't really shame, but encouraged :) So, really when he asked me if I was up for ten miles, it didn't really matter what my answer was going to be :) Just kidding Forrest! The half way marker for the ten came and went and I really enjoyed the ride. I think it was actually like 9.1 miles and maybe like 45 minutes or an hour or something and time flew by. It was, I can honestly say, very enjoyable. The sights, the sounds, the exercise, the company...

Got back after the ride and I was beat! It took me a while to gain composer (remember, totally out of shape). I was jello legged, sopping wet in sweat and thirsty!

Fast forward to about an hour after the ride: I'm trying to stand up and as my muscles flexed down near my bum I realized - oh the pain! The thought finally housed in my brain that the pain in my bum was going to SUCK!!!! As I rolled out of bed this morning the pain in my bum was almost unbearable! ha! I was both laughing and hurting at the same time. I stopped laughing because laughing made my bum hurt more...so I was left hurting.

I definetely want to get back into riding again. I see bike ownership in the near future :)

Learning

I learn so much through people - about me, about people, the way I interact with people. Why are people so confusing? So intimidating? So wierd? You know, I speak of myself in this too? People are also amazing! Intelligent, reasonable, cute, exotic, beautiful, akward (in a cute way)? But why are they unforgiving? Passive? Aggresive? Uninviting to their hearts or minds? Mysterious - both good and bad?

I am comfortable in who I am. I am good at who I am. I hopefully have more good qualities than bad - more strengths than weaknesses - more happy than sad - but this is all relative right? I am a huge canundrum! Sometimes hypocrite, sometimes contrarian, sometimes exciting and happy, sometimes critical, sometimes supportive, eager to learn - everything - eager to know the world - BUT I am always me. I am not perfect - AT ALL!

I am human. I am human. I am human.

And so are you! Human!!!

How do we get along? Communicate? How do I know when you are joking and you, me? How do you know that I care and I, you? What is this language, both verbal and body?

I am just so curious! About human nature. I want to understand it and be perfect at it. Instead, I must observe because I will never know. I only realize what I didn't know after a life lesson - interesting?

All I know is I love it!!!! Always getting to learn :) As long as I am learning I am alive! This is true. I am never content with my book of knowledge - let me fill it more each day! I am sponge. I love people and myself and everything that goes with it!

Zachary

I'm watching you grow
Into yourself
Into your laugh
Childhood awaiting you

From stretching your feet to your mouth
To running into my arms

Your intelligence makes me smile
And you are witty, funny
Creative in your words
As if twenty years under your belt

You make me heart melt
At the thought of your smile
You
Angelic when you sleep
Perfect and peaceful

Amazed every moment I see you breathe
As if my first time
My first breath with you
A love I did not know existed until I met you
--My Zachary

Just thought

But what is now if not embraced
But time that’s left for all to waste

Insomnia

As I lay here
And watch it grow
One thirty
Two fifteen
Now, three twenty

Restless-
My mind fights with time
A losing battle
For all mankind

The anxiety grows
As fast as the numbers
As I crave rest
The deep deep sleep
Of nothingness
Weightlessness

The snow globe night light
Confusing me
-Mostly my mind
The glitter glistens
As if the sun beaming in

My thoughts race-
-But only each other
No sprinter could win
A clocks delight
To Tick Tock

Ho Hum...

What a few days! Running a little down - but not bad, just solem. Thinking about life scars. You know? It's funny to me how we get them and depending on the scar, how deep, how visible, how wide, did I require stitches, etc. depends on how I look back at it. I thought at times that I looked back and thought, "wow, that makes me a better person" but then I realize - hmmm, I don't think I ever really processed it. So, then I realize I have these traits as a person (which can be quite aggravating) that are a complete result of that "scar". So - newsflash!!! I HAVE ABONDMENT ISSUES- does it really make a better person? I am very loyal because of it, very loyal! My friends know that I will run to the ends of the earth for them - no lie! Why? Probably because I don't ever want anyone to feel abandoned but to know that I will be there NO MATTER WHAT!!! But now, if ever I feel like I'm losing someone in my life - ANYONE (ask Jenny, she knows how aggravating it is) - I over compensate by calling all the time, texting, emailing them - anything to make them remember "Hello! I'm over here! Don't forget about me!" but in reality I am an adult, my friends are adults, we live adult lives and are busy and just because my friends can't talk to me every minute of every day doesn't mean that they are not my friends or don't want to be friends anymore. I have to gain security in myself because of this - I don't really know how to begin but I must. I don't want to aggravate my friends :( right? Anyhoo - let this journey begin.

My Essence

Willing
Always willing
To listen
To admit
To take blame when blame is mine

I change when needed
When my ways are wrong
And I care
How others know me
Love me

I concern for others
I love my friends
I will do anything -
For them
Out of true concern
Out of love
Not pity
Or sympathy

I love to love
To fix
To think
Examine
And redo it all
Over and over
Again and again

I don’t tire easily
With emotion
Spent on the hearts of people
I purely don’t

I am
In no way -- perfect
By no means
Faultless
But simply said
With my world, my friends
I love
Care
Give
Loyally, like a golden retriever
Without expectations
Or return
I give
And this is my essence

Going Back to Get Yourself

Thinking this morning on the way in: You know, when you lose your self you leave your self somewhere and however long you are gone from yourself is how far away from yourself you get. Does this make sense? Because I keep walking further and further without regard for myself and where I left me. So now, eight years later, I have to walk ALLLLLL the way back (symbolically, emotionally) to get me and walk ALLLLLL the way back to now. Get it?

Benefits: truly think about what I did to myself and NEVER repeat :)

The Rothko Chapel - Poem

I meditate in there
And find my centeredness,
My balance -
Peacefulness

I talk to God in there
I breathe deeply
I release my toxins
With every exhale
The black in the air

And my inhale,
With fresh Flowers
Purity into me
Decompressing my spine
My shoulders

I describe it the way it happens
For me and my core
It invades me and recreates me
Rejuvenates me
But then, do you know me?

Rothko Chapel

OMG!!! I was reading the Rothko website and OMG! If I ever get married again and i'm in NOOOO rush, or even if i commit to someone for the rest of my life - it will be here!!!! how beautiful would that be? - the Rothko Chapel is so symbolic in my life (that's a whole different post :)) - i don't know why i shared this but i did - the chapel makes me feel the security i feel under a tree - in the shade with its roots and branches to the sky - i feel the same roots and grounding in the chapel :) - trees are soooo PERFECT!!! even without leaves, without height! they are just perfect!!! anyway, this chapel gives me that same feeling - but so much deeper -

Too Fast

Overbearing
Intense
I know are me
At times too much
I am a handful

My energy precedes me
And I myself, can’t keep up
My own thoughts too fast
My mouth prompt
A blur in my own mind

My intentions are pure though
No malice or motive
Ill will or deceit
In fact, I don’t know how to deceive
Because my mouth is so prompt

Slow down?
But how?
Teach me
Show me
Guide me

I am open to new
To different
To even slower…

But stop me!
And tell me to slow!
Because sometimes I am so quick
That I live in my peripheral view
I invite it – the interjection
To cleanly stand still

A Strength

So, I think and overthink and think some more - but I'm positive about it. I woke up this morning thinking about strengths - I am always ready to improve my weaknesses and today I wanted to talk about my strengths - or at least one of them.

I am really good at looking at a situation I am in - smack in the middle of the storm - and realizing that one day I will look back and think "oh, I had to take that step, learn that lesson to get here". It doesn't mean that I don't go through the emotions just because of the realization. I still go through the sad, lonely, depressed - or whatever, not so positive, emotion I'm going through. I can even get really low and not leave the house for a few days, but I know that in a year (that's usually my benchmark because a year goes by so fast - a good round number - ha!) I will be in a different place learning new lessons in life and I HAD to learn the previous years skill or step on that step to get here.

Balance

It is sooooo difficult always seeking balance! It somehow makes me an extremist. I end going one way, then too far. So I go the other way, then too far. How does one find balance? I can sit and meditate and find my centerdness, but then how long does it last for me? Hmmm...a skill I must aquire. Balance. Oh, and restraint. I must master both! These two disciplines will be part of my life's journey this year. I know in my heart that with those two skills under my belt I can be better at so many things.

OH! And ha! My time zone was wrong until just now. Sorry guys!

New York City - for my Mandy :)

Where every human is forced to live a minimalist life
Where your dwelling is the size of an extra large closet
And you learn to keep everything you need during the day in your bag
Everything you once kept in your car

The entire island is a tourist attraction
And no one has privacy
Every minute of every day there are people on the streets
And your solitude is challenged

Where no "local spot" exists
The locals are global
And the accents are New York - ish...
But everyone is from some - where

Where suddenly mass transit is the quickest route to anywhere
And you learn to squeeze in no matter how many people are already on the train
Where you call the subway the train
And the train, the train?

Where ANYONE can live out there passion
No matter how great or small
Where playing your guitar in the subway and singing your heart out
Makes you and everyone around you smile

And sometimes your passions finds you
And forces you through guilt to pursue it
Because New York City is the center of the universe
And you can't help but be you

The Menil Lawn

A blanket on the grass
And the blades
Slightly taller than my pen
The sun warms me, fuels me

The wind rolls the grass
Then rolls over me
A tickle
To the back of my neck

I am able
To lay on my tummy
And write
Smile and sleep
It is my inspiration

I can not stop
Until my heart is done speaking
Or my ink runs dry
I can not stop
I don't have it in me
To stop before I'm done

And if I must
Words whirl in my mind
Roll in my mouth, on my tongue
And make me crazy!

Until they can leave
And go home
Where they belong

Untitled 1

Sickening!
The anxiety I feel
The knots in my stomach
As I see it in front of me

It makes it so hard
For me to believe
The contradiction
The judgement
The hypocracy

So deterring to the heart
Soul
It should be love
Inward and out

Kindness to all
And to thyself
But above all
To others

When we are kind to others
It is perfect!
But only from a pure heart
A pure intention

To be kind
For just to be kind

To Love

Sometimes it is that simple
To love
To simply allow oneself to just...
Love

Yes, it is frightening
But the joy it brings
Oh, the joy

Is so rewarding
That not a pit could bring you down
With rocks around your legs in a lake

To love
Is so exhuberating

That tears can flow freely
From the pressure to escape
That is how much love
I have in me

I could not scream long enough
To show you
An equivalent

Nor squeeze hard enough
For a parallel

Only I know
That I could burst
From what is within me
To love...

Awakened!

Awakened!
After a seven or eight year slumber
In touch with what was forgotten
Abandoned, neglected, ignored
In touch with what was once my flame
My fire

A Moment

I can close my eyes
And capture
One
Single
Moment.

Everything that moment emcompasses
Every sense I used
Or not
An instant, a slice of time
And everything right before
And after

A virtual thought
For now
I can breath it in
And feel it on my skin
Taste it, hear it

I can relive it
In my mind
Whenever I deem necessary
To relive it

Laugh

To live and love
Is my right
...And laugh - To laugh is my right
Laugh often
Laugh loud

Both willingly
And with restraint
To laugh outside my soul
But inside my mouth
OR--
Laugh from my soul
Yet outside my mouth

Is-to-laugh

Release
Everything bound in my heart
In my belly?
A belly laugh?

All kinds of laughs
Define my heart
With
Laughter

Found

Over the weekend I began to peel layers of the calloused heart I've built over the last several years. It feels good! One of the things that makes me most happy is writing poetry. To some it might seem odd, but when I write it releases me - truly release me - it makes me happy, even in dark moments - writing creates a light for me, it's so amazing how it works for me but it does. Over the weekend I wrote quite a few because I was so filled with happiness and joy - I was so happy that at times I was ready to cry! Yes, I was just because I was happy and just overjoyed to tears. It's weird, I know but I always try to balance both good and bad in my life, but I always try to stay positive.

For Forrest, who inspired me

You--
Unlocked me
My happiness
My writing box of skill

Unleashed me,
My heartbeats louder
And stronger
And pumps the blood
Through my vains

I am so thrilled
To embrace such love again
That when my heart feels
It flows through the ink of my pen

And the threads
Like the fabric of life
Catch evertyhing I have to say
And never forgets

Utopian

A Utopian
I thrill at the thought of peace
With you,
And you, you, you and you.

I thrill at the thought,
Of blind and deaf.
Because blind and deaf
Might cure you
Of some ability to judge
To hate.

For then you,
You, might love with your heart

To Be Me

I own it all
All that I need
To be me

Like the gloves on my bones -
My skin.
And inside,
It seems as though -
Flesh.

But what about
The intangible?
The elements I own
To be me?

Where are they?
Where do they reside?
That in everything I do
I use them,
And put them back.

But if you ask me
How do I tell you
Who I am?

What makes me?
My identity?
What words could possibly answer
Such intangible
Elements?

I don't know
How to say it
Or show it
But--I own it.

All that I need
To be me.

The First Moments of the Day

I don’t understand
But I don’t need to
Understand
Every day is brand new
That brief moment
As I open my eyes
I am a clean slate
Clean
Thoughtless, without feeling, emotionless
Without disruption to my mind

Watching the sun
Peek through my blinds
And suddenly my comforter feels warmer
And my day must begin
The influences
From days and nights before
Creep in
And my slate
Is no longer clean

Talking to Myself

so, i'm whirling up the parking garage this morning - they are like micro rounds, very aggravating! and as i'm approaching the 6th floor i realize i've been talking to myself :/ i mean, i know i talk to myself, everyone does - but i didn't realize i was talking to myself, that caught me a little off gaurd...what does this mean?

My Way

I love my life
My way
My way of life
This ability to love
Everything!
With no fear – at all
I can love you all
At once, even

My human heart
Is capable of so so much
So much that at times
It doesn’t know any better
Any other way
But my way
My way of life

To love all at once
In whole
With everything
Everything, my heart
Can give – everything
I don’t fear the hurt
Or responses
Or hurtful responses
I just love!

Now

Who ever said I’m dying?
Maybe, just maybe I’m living
My life to its fullest and then maybe
I enjoy every moment of every day
And maybe I’m noticing what brings me to life
Even the downs of the ride
They don’t take me down enough
To not be living
And smiling
And loving
And exploding with happiness

If now is what I’m enjoying
Then now is all I know
Then tomorrow
Whether it comes or not
I will not anticipate or fear or loathe

But when tomorrow becomes now
Then I will love it too

The First of Many to Come

I will take it day by day
I will enjoy the moments, okay?
I want to learn the way I feel
And feel it slowly and make it real

Excited as the day is long
Still happy when the day is gone
I sleep and smile unknowingly
And brace the new day glowingly

As the happiness exudes from me
My heart beats, oh so rapidly
I can not stop excited bliss
Nor run from life, or what I might miss

So I will live the moment now
With no regrets – and this I vow

Inspiration

To me it's very funny how people come into and out of lives. I picture like an unfathomable sized circuit board of lives and some cross and others don't. I think about what someone else had to go through in life and myself to finally meet an individual. It's super fascinating to me. I am also a firm believer in people. I believe everyone deposits something into my life, both to learn from as a positive or a negative situation.

So recently I made a new friend. A very interesting and inspiring new friend who sparked my desire in writing again. My passion, until about 8 years ago, was always writing. Initially for selfish reasons, and well truly overall for selfish reasons. I write because it allows me to wrap my own brain around what I think or feel. I write because the more I write the more clarity I gain in life. I write because after I write something I look back and remember why I wrote it or what I learned from it.

Anyway, I think I am going to start again. My writing matures as I do, so initially it will be very childish and akward, but as time goes on I hope it will mature as I do again.