Bleh...

Today was a yucky day for me :( I woke up not feeling well and then it escalated so much I had to leave work. Not like me. I slept the whole day and I'm still tired. Something's not right.

I'm in a weird place in my life. I don't know why. I am lonely...I feel like everyone likes their life but me right now. That's kind of pathetic. I know it will blow over because I don't get depressed very often and I usually snap out of it pretty quickly but it sucks when I'm here :( Not lonely because I don't have friends but lonely because I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't like their life. I'm not depressed enough to cry though - that's a good sign :) ha!

The new year starts in two days. I have to get it together before then so I can make a plan. I love plans :) The sad part is I don't even know what to plan, hmmmm. I will think about it and come up with something. I usually do a physical, mental, spiritual and financial goal for each year. I think this year will be very tiny goals though because I'm feeling a little unmotivated. Really, I will probably feel more successful by the end of the year because if you under-promise and over deliver - hehehe...what a corporate motto, huh?

How does the rest of the world deal with depression? How do you see something that is happening in your life and commit to letting it go? I mean, I know how - I guess sometimes we don't want to..we hope that it will change so we wait for "hope". The reality is that it may never change and then we end up waiting for a long, long time. Then we feel like we've invested so much time that we shouldn't give up "then". Then we've wasted ten years "hoping" this "thing" work the way we wanted it to and it doesn't. So why waste any time and just not accept that this isn't the way it should be and I let it go and move on. And I just eliminated wasting ten years of my life. Thank you blog therapy. :) And people pay therapists? ha!

Just kidding - it's so much easier to analyze a situation than it is to practice it. The sad part is - I don't really know what I'm holding on to, but I know something is holding be back right now as we speak and I need to figure it out and move on!

I think the scary part is, usually when I have an obstacle in life that causes me to get depressed it means that I have to change something within myself. Who wants to admit that they have a flaw or something about themselves they need to change? Admitting we need to change is hard, isn't it? Is it just me being weird? I don't know, but change will happen soon!!!

Anyhoo - way past my bed time - nite nite :)

Mistakes

So I am very human. In fact at times too human. I make mistakes and sometimes, yes, even grave one's that I wish I could go back in time and redo. I hope that my mistakes don't cost me friendships. You see, texting under the influence is bbbaaaaadddd! I not only manage to text under the influence but to text under the influence to several people...not good. That means that if I cross the line some friends won't forgive me and maybe even quit talking to me. I hope that's not the case but it might be :(

Guilt. Disgust. Loserish. Regret. All those feelings swirled in my heart today. I'm not one to ever regret but I think I did today when I woke up.

Anyhoo - Today is a weighty day for me and I'm ready to rest and go to sleep...nite nite.

Like Heroin

I wake up and think about it. The first thing I do in the morning is get up, put on my coat and scarf, go outside and light one. I was sitting in the chair and relaxed with every inhale. I felt like a heroin addict. As if it put me in another world, another mood perhaps.

I had quit smoking for nearly six years. Then, about two months ago I picked up the wretched habit again. Disappointed in myself, my choice, my weakness. The five years I didn't smoke I remember days when I would daydream about smoking as if it were my happy place. It was. I remember driving with my music loud, my bandana on, my non-driving foot out the window and thinking, 'if I had a cigarette this would be a perfect picture.'

How sad. A cigarette. A cancer stick. That is my daydream of a perfect picture.

Loser! I know. Smoking is harder for me to quit than anything else. It is a nasty, nasty addiction. I can taste the smell in my mouth all day. I can smell it in my car when I get in. I bring a trail of "smell" when I walk into a room after going outside to smoke. Disgusting.

Not to mention, my son. He is the most important reason for me to NOT smoke. I want to live a long healthy life for my son. I don't ever want him to get second hand smoke. I don't want him to grow up thinking mom is a "smoker". If anything, I would quit for him.

Brainwashing...

So, recently someone I know started attending church on a weekly basis - which isn't a bad thing. Then, she turns to me and says "Now, that I've been going to church I want you and your husband to work it out." Really? So church tells you that I need to endure another day of hell? I don't get it.

I think people give too much credibility to churches. I mean, I believe in God --tremendously! I have a tremendous amount of faith BUT I don't believe in making choices because the "church" says God frowns upon it.

I love to go to church and learn. Especially when they are teaching the Bible, but I don't believe what the minister says just becuase he is the one saying it. I look at it as a different perpspective, interpretation, of the Bible. There many, many times when I hear what a certain scripture says and take my own interpetation on it. I'm not saying I make the interpretation an "easy" one for me, in fact I think many churches make them "easy" interpretations.

I think it's easier for humans to have crazy rules and disciplines, that way they don't have to think for themselves. Of course, this is just my opinion. And I find that many times people don't even want to know why they believe what they believe so it doesn't skew their thoughts. Does this make sense?

I believe that when people make choices based upon what the "church" says they should, it allows them to "not" be responsible for their actions. For example, I stayed with my husband because I was molded to believe that "God" doesn't like divorce. NEWSFLASH: He doesn't like people verbally abusing others AND He doesn't like husband's stealing from their wives, etc., etc. You get my point? When I finally opened my eyes and realized what a bad situation I was in I got the heck out! Then I remember looking back and thinking "what the hell was I doing?" and I remember staying in the relationship just because I thought I was suppose to...lesson learned.

Humans should use their better judgement - there is no life rule book. I believe the Bible gives us a guideline in life on how to be good people, but it doesn't say be a dumbass!

I think there are reasons to go church and learn about the Bible and have fellowship but I probably don't agree with the reasons most go. I also don't judge the people that do go to church and live their lives differently from mine. I just have my own opinion on these matters. I also think there many other religious books to learn from - but that's an entirely different entry :)

Anyhoo--

Back to Reality

The days pass and I miss my sister :( I wish we lived closer. Going back to work wasn't easy but I got back into the swing of things pretty quickly. Now I just wait for her to visit here in March!!! I'm so excited about that. In the mean time, I'm just chillaxing :) Not really much going on in my world.

What does life have to offer?

I was thinking all morning about how people say "life has so much to offer". Is it true? Does life really have much to offer? OR, do people make the best out of the life they have? I vote B. I think there are people who like to have pity parties and complain about what life deprived them of, about how much "bad luck" they've had and I think there are people who make the best out of life and make everything an opportunity.

Let me define this though: When I say make the best out of life I mean if you can only afford peanut butter and jelly, then you make the best out of it. I'm certainly not saying the monetarily rich make the best out of life, by no means. People who sit around and complain about only having peanut butter and jelly are never happy. They could be eating filet mignon and they will be wishing they were eating in Monaco. I always hear, "if we could only win the lottery", "I've never had good luck in my life", "I should of...", "I wish I had...", "If you only knew what I went through in my life...". How do people live like this always "wondering". Hello world! Everybody has a story! And you know what? I gaurantee you if you would take the time to listen to someone else's story -- you will find one more heartbreaking than yours.

Trials in life make us who we are -- that's it. If we all sit around complaining about them then we will never grow as individuals or learn anything. Complaining makes us sour inside and black. People who are never happy, I believe also like to blame everyone for their misery. They will not take responsibility for the choices they make in life.

I will never understand it. I will never understand how, they live their life like this - wasted! In the land of pity party.

To Blog or Not to Blog

There are days like to today when I feel like blogging but I really don't have anything to say, but I want to have something to say. Hmmm...what can we talk about? Should we talk deep or trivial?

I spoke with my cute sister today - she ate my pizza and my coke zero after I left :( she hates them both, that's how much she misses me...our next mission - March 2010 - she's coming to visit me for about 10 days - wooohooo!!! Houston: here we come! Oh, and Las Vegas...hmmm and maybe New York - we'll see. I already feel like we don't have enough time to do everything and she hasn't even bought the ticket - ha! I can't wait! She gets to come see my world. Meet my friends. See my home. Eat where I eat. Drink coffee where I drink coffee. I'm so excited.

That's the note for the day. I hope everyone who has siblings cherishes them. Doesn't take them for granted and appreciates what they have. Don't fight over trivial things and make sure you talk as often as you can. Do things together and spend quality time together just laughing. Know one another and NEVER be mean to each other. Life is too short and some of us haven't had the luxury of a sibling our whole life like most of you.

Just love each other.

The End of the Beginning

Well, today, I'm home. It is bittersweet. My last night in Greece was quite comical. We drove around for about 2 hours (at least it felt that long :)) looking for a fish tavern. My first day there I said I wanted to eat fresh fish while I was there, and Nick was determined to get me fish :) Everything was closed. Finally, we found a place waaaayyyy out and we went. It was so yummy! There is nothing like fresh fish in Greece. By the time we found a restaurant the kids were asleep. The little one even slept in the restaurant. I don't think he ever realized we went out to eat - ha! We got home around 11 p.m. and everyone went to bed but my sister and me. We stayed up all night talking until it was time for me to pack and go to the airport. It's funny how when you want time to go slow it goes even faster. We couldn't make it stop. So, instead, I watched her eat a 1/2 kilo of ice cream :) My sis. Leaving her made me so sad. Now that I know her I don't want to be without her. I feel like I can't miss out on any more time with her, you know? I spoke to her today and it's so so weird that I was just there and now I'm not. She is coming to visit me in March and I can't wait!!!

I not only brought back my luggage, but a nasty, nasty cold. Miserable, I tell you. I will be taking meds before bed and I will be OUT! My little Zach was exstatic when he saw me. Mom didn't tell him they were picking me and he just started screaming with excitement. I missed him sooooo much! He gave me the biggest hug ever and it felt so good.

I showed him pictures of my sister and his cousins and he told me "mom, I don't want to go to New York. I want to go meet my cousins." Make my heart melt. My sweetheart!

Well, it's good to be back but sad to be gone.

Nite nite

A Shopping Day!

I had such a fun day with my sister today! I got to spend the evening with just her and I shopping in Glyfada. It was so much fun! I bought the cutest Italian boots EVER! Of course, the day isn't a day without ice cream. We planted our butts outside the ice cream shop, we ate and talked and laughed. Then we were laughing so hard on the way home, she got lost - ha! It was hilarious. Good times! Life has been great the last week and it is quickly coming to an end. I really try not to think about it but when I look at her and know that in a few days I won't get to see her beautiful face it makes me sad :( Such is life though, huh? Anyhoo - going to bed on a good night - great boots!

Tomorrow we have another filming with the show - bleh. But it's part of the deal, unfortunately.

Nite nite

Just a Day...

We didn't do anything today. I mean we didn't leave the house - my sister and I can't get enough of each other just hanging out :) I went downstairs and saw my father today, twice. He asks for me when I'm not there, but I find it a chore to go down there. It seems as though he likes to listen to me talk. That is definetely one thing I do well, so I did. He just sits there and every now and then he mutters "tetete". He wants us to understand so badly what he is saying and you can see the frustration in his eyes, so we have to guess and he can answer yes or no, but it's sad. On the other hand, I think it's better that I he can't tell me anything, because the relationship could have been skewed by reality. The truth. The words that might make me dislike him. This way, he is just a human to me and I can actually sympathize with his situation. It sounds harsh, but the truth is harsh. You may read that and think I am cruel, but you also didn't go through what I went through. So, don't judge me. :) I know I am a better person for not having him in my life, but then I feel bad because my sister did, have him in her life that is. It makes me sad to know that she had a rough life, like mine, but different - that's what makes us so similar, I think. BUT that's also what makes her such a strong, amazing woman :)

Tomorrow we are suppose to go shopping - I'm excited to spend the day with her. I love her so much! Then, on Wednesday, we have another shoot with the show :) Ha! I'm dying with the recordings! Oh, well, a small price to pay for the experience :)

Snow!

It snowed all around today, except here. So we were going to drive up to Parinthos, in the mountains, to take a cable car up to the top of the mountain. You gotta roll with the punches in this place :) The traffic was horrendous! We finally park, only to find out the wait for the cable car is 2 hours. Ha! Thank God my sister spoke my thoughts (because we are the same of course). She quickly said, we're not waiting, let's let the kids play in the snow outside where we are and let's go eat :) Well, we ended up driving up a little to find a "clean" snowy area and let the kids play in it. It was too cute! We were also meeting a cousin of ours and her husband, so, in the middle of all this we are communicating with them about where to meet. We head back down the mountain - to sit in traffic some more. Finally we hit the highway and we are heading towards the tavern. It's in a small village called Malakas (not to be accentuated like malakas for those of you who speak Greek). The food was fantastic! Oh my gosh! The table was full of food that I could have grazed on all night. After a days trekk we ate for about an hour and headed home. We were all sleepy. I fell asleep on the couch, but clearly I woke up to write this :)

It's already Sunday and I'm dreading Friday. I am going to miss them soooo much! It seems as if the slower I want time to go the faster it goes. Isn't that the way it always is?

Nite nite

Lounging

So, it turns out we haven't left the house in three day - ha! We are loving it! My sperm doner, dad, lives downstairs from my sister. I went to see him today and showed him some pictures. New and old, from when he was in the states, he stared at them very intently. He was amazed that he had a grandson on the other side of the globe, that he had never met. You could tell by the look in his eyes. When he saw old pictures, of him holding me when I was little, you could tell he was remembering. Who knows? Right?

Anyway, the day passed and we hung out. Eleni made this amazing soup for lunch and as the night rolled in and the kids went to bed, me, Eleni and Nick sat around the computer playing old greek songs on youtube :) Some new songs, some american songs and some very very deep songs made the playlist. We laughed soooo much! It's four in the morning now and they just went to bed; that's how long we've been sitting here cracking up laughing and singing. Good times!

I find myself staring at my sis a lot. She's very beautiful. We have the same hands and feet. She has the Godawful arch on her feet like me :) When I see the way music moves her I think of me. We have the same fire inside when it comes to music - it's beautiful.

Life's funny, huh? I have a sister! It's funny to me. Somehow, with no past we have an instant relationship. It would have been different if we were different, but we have so many similarities it's freakish :) Even roulette! She loves to play roulette like me, hehehe. We both love the ocean and water and boats. We both love to eat, somehow it doesn't effect her like it does me - I mean her food, somehow, doesn't turn into fat like mine.

I wish my Zachary was here with me :( I realized today that he has got to learn Greek! I want to visit here with him May and he has to be able to communicate with his cousins. My nephews, Telli and Sami, are soooo cute! And Sami, Sami is the spitting image of Zach. They are just precious. Beautiful boys. Oh! And she and I both always wanted boys. We don't understand girls :)

Being near her has been so amazing! It's going to be very sad on Friday when I have to leave. In fact, I don't want to leave, but I have to :( Now that I have her I don't want us to be apart. I want to be able to call her and we go get our nails done or go shopping or go have coffee or just sit around and listen to music and laugh. The way it's suppose to be. I hope she comes and visits me in the states soon! That would be fantastic! That way all you guys can see her and love her too!

Tomorrow we are suppose to go up into the mountains to see some major snow. Exciting!

Nite nite!

Getting to Know Each Other

Parallel lives. We both agree we lived parallel lives. So many similarities and trials in our lives and both similar. It's amazing. Had we met years past we probably would have started a life together. Who knows? Everything happens for a reason. We were suppose to meet now for a reason. A reason no one will ever know. In the meantime we feel like we missed out on each other's lives. It's sad, but we have our whole life ahead of us! :) Now we can live our "wise" years together :) Who knows, maybe I will open my coffe shop here in Greece ;) All I know is that I'm so happy to have found my sister. I feel like my life is weirdly complete. I didn't know I would feel this way but it's a darn good feeling. You look at someone, a stranger, and you realize they are from the same blood. It's kind of hard to understand at times, but I quickly feel the closeness seconds later. With kids running around the house, the fire burning in the fireplace, my sister getting ready to cook (that's my favorite part :)) and Nick bringing in groceries - all I'm missing is my Zachary - my baby.

The Funnies

So today had a few serious moments but let's not overlook the funny stuff. My sister and I, her name is Eleni too, hung out all day. Early this afternoon we decided we wanted to have a "winter" moment so we put on some Christmasy music and we were going to light the fireplace. Eleni went downstairs to collect the firewood. For a brief moment I felt like "wow, me and my sister are sitting and chatting during the holidays" the way it should be :) She came up stairs and put the wood in the fireplace and proceeded to tell me she had never lit it before; it was always Nick, her husband, who lit it. Really, how difficult could it be? With two Eleni's, anything's possible :) So, she took some paper towels and saturated them with some local stuff they use, i'm guessing like a firestarter, gas, type stuff that they keep in this clear bottle. She also saturated the wood and the entire fireplace with it. We had a great fire going, except we couldn't get the wood to catch fire - it was only the fuel that was burning off and then fire would go out. We tried again, and again, and again - this happened for about 2 hours. Our fire was basically the fuel and we had to keep refueling it to keep the fire going. We were cracking up laughing. That was our fire - ha! the fuel, the firewood was really just for decoration apparently. Finally, we called Nick. Oh Nick, oh wise one. "Go get some small sticks to starts the fire" he tells her - aha! Eureka! So she went and got some small sticks and I'll be darned - it worked :) Clearly, this was a man's job - ha! I think we laughed the entire time at the fact that our fire had to be fed every so often, just too funny!

Meeting My Biological Father

Today was very interesting. Confusing. Akward. Bittersweet. Emotionless, yet full of emotion. My biological father had a stroke last summer and was left speechless and motionless on his right side. He stutters in "tetete", these are his words. He understands and can answer "ne" for yes when you ask him questions. He lives downstairs from my sister. Today we opted to go down stairs and see him. To my surprise, he recognized me. He cried. He wiped his tears and cried again. He couldn't believe I was there. For the first time in 31 years my father saw his daughter. I saw my father. I am not angry that he left, I am a better person. He left my mother and I and never spoke to me since. I don't know that he ever thought he would see me. I know today, that whether he regretted it or not, he is still human and realized in front of his eyes stood his own blood. His wife looked at me, when he was crying, and said "blood can't turn into water." I suppose it's true. Only God knows what my father did: to me, my sister, my mother, his wife, and any one else in the world he mistreated. Today, only God knows his heart: if it's regretful or happy. And only I saw the look in his eyes when he saw me. Unable to speak to me or hug me. He kept squeezing my hand and looking at me intently as if were a newborn, examining my hands and feet and laughing at my tattoos :) He burst into tears and then into laughter, over and over again, at his desbelief that his daughter was sitting in front of him. Then we realized at a moment in time that my dad was looking at both of his daughters, both of his "Elenitsas" sitting together in one room, under one roof right in front of him. It was weird. Strange. I am glad I saw him. I couldn't find a tear to shed though. I couldn't muster up enough water to cry. Because I don't know him to be sad - does that make sense? To me, he was another human. I felt sympathy for his situation but no sympathy for his parenting status...none.

My Sis

Silent, peaceful, tranquil, still
I describe not only the ocean but my heart
The horizon so far
A foreigner to my mind
I wonder why this world is so far from my world
Why her world is so far from my world

Now, I am weightless
Mindless
Fulfilled

Our hands are the same
Our habits
From opposite ends of the earth
Somehow, we share interests and love
Even sorrow and hurt

An arrow from her heart to mine
Connected, tugging
All these years
With no senses, knowledge
Of touch or voice

Now we are together
And to never be apart
At least in our hearts

New Family

It's amazing! I met my sister that I have never met before yesterday! We grew up our entire lives, both only children, not having a sibling. It will be different now! She is absolutely amazing! And her family, well, if she's amazing that tells you what her family is like. I have nephews and cousins I didn't know existed...how sad. In talking with her we have found so many similarities between us - it's awesome! I mean like weird similarities like the way we sit in chairs that we both always got yelled at for, ha! we both have pages and pages of poetry, we both love music and singing from our hearts, sailing and sadly we both had unusual upbringings because of our dad. BUT it is all good now, we each have a new sister :) a relationship that will hopefully never die, never waver but always stand strong. She is sweet, funny, strong (like me-ha!), beautiful, witty, just amazing! She has a super sweet husband who seems very down to earth and just adores her! Her boys, ah her boys, just adorable - it makes me miss my Zachary even more :( can't wait to see him! Her mother is even a sweet, sweet lady! She baked me a bundt cake :) Yummy! My sister cooked me calamari today - wow! Can I live here? Like in her attic or something?

My sister's house sits right on the ocean with a mountain in the background. Soooo beautiful and breathtaking...to wake up to this everyday would be like taking anti anxiety medication naturally :) The balcony is on the 3rd floor and your eyes can see so far!

It's still weird for both of us, just to say "this is my 'sister'". But we both agreed we will get used to it. It's strange how half our lives we will be only children and the other half not. My brains is struggling with this but I love it too! From yesterday I have new family - how weird? But cool!

I look at the stars outside right now and realize all my family and friends back home will be looking at the same stars in 8 hours - it's funny how life works.

Today

I sit and I wait
Wondering why sometimes life is late
Or is it on time
But not on any schedule of mine

Life brings me smiles
And sometimes sadness too
Around the world, so many miles
Just to meet someone new

A journey, adventure for me to embark
In the glorious day today, not lonely in the dark

My First Morning

While I was rumbling around in bed I actually heard a rooster. There is just something about waking up in Greece. Granted, with a 9:10 am wake-up call from the front desk, but none the less - it was great! I sat on my balcony for about 10 minutes and then took a shower. Not just any shower but a 2' x 3' teeny tiney greek shower. Really? I mean every time I tried to run the shower on my face I hit my head on the door - no joke!

I went downstairs to eat breakfast (pictures to come soon) and had a great breakfast. The bread isn't from Mrs. Bairds - it's from a bakery with greek yogurt and granola and greek honey - with apricot jam and feta - mmmm....I was in heaven. The hotel has a resident dog named Bruno, he hung out with me while I ate :) He's really cute, a brown and white cocker spaniel.

Bruno is no fool. I was trying to get him to come to me so I could pet him and he wouldn't budge, but dangle a piece of cheese in front of him and suddenly he loved me! Ha!

Then I sat out in the courtyard and enjoyed the morning. Now, clearly I'm blogging. I'm ready for the day! I think I'm going to venture down to beach - because all the Greeks back home who "warned" me how cold it was here lied :) It's 70 degrees and sunny! Absolutely gorgeous!

I'm sure you will here back from me soon - Good day!

Plaka - Athens

Wow!!! I met a couple here from Philadelphia - Dalinda (?) and Paul - they are sooooo funny! We went into Athens, an area called Plaka, for some ice cream, shopping and walking. It was a beautiful night. The moon, the stars and for a little ambiance, the Acropolis - WOW!!! So majestic - sitting up on top of the mountain lighting the sky like no other star up there :) Absolutely beautiful. It's one thing to be sitting at a cafe and you have the Empire State building as a back drop but it's an entirely different experience to watch the Acropolis and the Parthenon radiate beauty that began in 450 BC. A timeline unfathomable to me, unconceptual but REAL, very very real.

I ate the most amazing gelato tonight at a place called Ice Grill. YUMMY!!! But something very discouraging was the graffiti - so much of it everywhere. It made me sad that humans deface this archaic town with spray paint and no one removes it :(

Another thing we noticed they have a huge stray cat and dog population here. Not the like the states though - these are animals are FAT like me :) They are greek strays by definition.

I am back at the hotel now. It is 11:47 pm here and I am ready to hit the hay.

I will be getting up at 9 am to eat breakfast and go down the beach - not for swimming - just my own viewing pleasure.

Good night all!

The Journey Begins

Monday, December 6, 2010 I left my aunts house at 1:30 for IAH to catch a 4:15 pm flight to Athens, Greece. It was KLM and my stopover was in Amsterdam. What an amazing flight!!! If I could live on a KLM airplane I think I would :) After 9 hours of popping Benedryl to sleep I landed in Amsterdam, Holland at 8:30 am local time. The Amsterdam airport is sooooo freaking awesome its not even funny! They have kids zones, museums, showers, secret rooms for people to smoke, shopping, many many restaurants and so much more that I didn't even get to see :( My favorite part was the signs that listed the terminal names to show you how long it would take you to walk there - ha! Of course, mine said "D - 31 minutes" Really? So in Texas time that meant 1 hour - ha! I go through customs and the guys asks:

"Is Athens your final destination?"
"Yes"
"Why are you visiting?"
"I'm visiting family"
"Is your family from Greece?"
"Yes"
"I could tell you were from Greece when I saw you standing in line"

What the hell does that mean? He could "tell" - did I smell - was it the curly hair - what? it kinda irritated me :) Finally I get to my gate and they announce the gate is open. NOT! The gate to the little area we had to wait for a half an hour was open. So instead of being able to sit in the comfy chairs upstairs in the terminal I had to stand there, eating Dutch pringles (I was starving) watching all the Greeks eyeball everyone. So typical :) My favorite was this older gentleman, who I think was British, who walked through the crowd knocking into everyone with his bag and not saying excuse me. Truly, paybacks are hell, he was sitting in the front of the plane and I went through with my oversized backpack :) Bam! But at least I said excuse me ;) Another three hours to Athens and we landed. As everyone stood up to rush and get their overhead bags I noticed something -it's not just the american Greek males that have the super long pinky nail - THEY ALL DO!!! I will never understand - it's so gross looking ewe!

As the plane hit the runway and I could see the Greek country side I realized these are my roots. It was weird because I don't even think of myself as Greek. I know my lineage is Greek but I just never really embraced the culture. But as my eyes saw the land my heart felt something, something very foreign. I am at hotel Myrtos now with another american couple from Philadelphia we are going to go out for drinks in a bit and see what this Athenian suburb has to offer.

Wish me luck!

Stay posted as my journey is blogged :)

Druze

OMG!!! I learned about this new religion on Saturday - sooooo freaking fascinating! I've never even heard of it before. It's called Druze. You should research it :) I want to learn so much about it now. How neat that we learn about religions we didn't even know existed to find out that it has many beliefs that I agree with. It was a true moment of relief to find a discipline that agreed with, what I used to think, was odd to most.

I made some new friends recently (the one's who introduced me to the Druze religion) and I feel like the friendship are so deep and meaningful - I LOVE IT! I don't find people I connect with on that level that often so when I do - I tend to hang on :) I hope these new friendships grow and flourish.

When People are Important to Me

I don't know why or how it began with me but I find it EXTREMELY necessary to let people who are important to me know they are important to me. I make an effort and go out of my way to do so. Be it through gifts or words I let them know. Now some get scared away by this but that's just who I am. When someone has impacted my life in such a positive manner why wouldn't I let them know. I have very few best friends but they are always on my mind. I have Tay, Jenny, Amanda, Forrest, Patrick and John. I am always trying to find a way to make their days better :) If I die tomorrow I want to know they know how much they mean to me. Does that make sense? It's kinda like when I'm dating someone - I don't wait until Valentine's Day to show them I love them and care about them, I do it as much as possible. Well, I do the same things with my friends - why do I have to wait until a holiday to tell them I love them, I tell them as much as I possibly can. I love to buy gifts for people and I LOVE to surprise people! Love it!!!! I love to write people poems and to just let them know when I'm thinking about them. Who doesn't like to know they are important? Right?

Anyhoo - this is my message for the day :)

Friends

I lay here and think
And once in a while, blink
About things important - my son & friends
And solitude, and what life lends

It's personal to my own heart
Why can't emotions be apart
From relationships so saddening
Not the happy, but the maddening

Keep others close - inside my soul
And when I smiled, my heart they stole
The ones that make my life worth while
For those I'd go the extra mile

For my few friends that make me whole
They have all anchored in my soul.

Monday, Monday, Monday :)

Yes, it's Monday. It was a rough weekend world, but good. First of all, I went to see Due Date on Friday. Not as funny as the Hangover but super funny!!! I was laughing the whole time!!! Worked Saturday and Sunday and was super busy!! I am still recovering for sleep. So sleep deprived that I feel drunk. I'm not drunk but I feel it. I got to get to know some of the regulars at work, which was cool. You know, you see these people day in and day out and you kinda build these story lines in your head about them. Not on purpose - completely unintentional and then you get to talking with them and you are totally wrong! It's fun! People are just so cool - they chat with you, they give you a little bit about their life, they make you laugh, you make them laugh and then you go home and go bed and start all over the next day with a new group. It's awesome!!! It's very fulfilling for my need to socialize. LOVE IT!!!

Last night I went to Barnaby's (super late) with Jenny and I pigged out!!! I don't know if burned so many calories at work yesterday that my body was like "hello!" but I ate two pork chops, a side of spinach, a side of fries and then ordered an entire other side of fries and ate all that!!! What the hell!!! It was soooo good!!!

I have no appetite today :)

I am super loving the weather today!!! We have been so fortunate with the weather here in Houston! I mean superior weather for the like the last 2 or three months. It rained two days last week but that was just a little speed dump in life. BUT my bike is crapped up so I have to take it up to Sun & Ski today and get an estimate :( I mean really? The bike is only like a month old :(

Anyhoo - life is so so good!

Time Flies

WOW!!! It's amazing how long it's been since I've posted. I don't have internet at home right now and time just flies by - I miss it! Writing is truly my creative release and I feel like the the damn is up holding everything in. :(

I have been riding riding riding!!! I am a little addicted to riding my bike right now :) I mean seriously. I'm thinking about my next ride while I'm on one. I love it. I've also realized that my perspective has changed when I drive. I am constantly watching for hike and bike paths and bike routes :) and my brain is always mapping it out in my head while I'm in the car. So, you see, even when I'm not on my bike I'm thinking about it - it's consuming my life!!! (and I secretly love it!)

Since my last post I have turned 36! And nothing about me says it - I don't even feel like I'm in my thirties. (am I suppose to?) Could be good - could be bad. For the most part, to me, it's great!!! I feel young and energized!!! I wish everyone felt as great as I do. (at least for now - because who knows what I will feel like in a month :))

What else? Still love my job-I look forward to going into work every day that I have to :) And when I get off at the end of my shift I am still in a good mood.

I am a little scared - like some bomb is going to drop and all my moods will shift :( I am embracing this time that I am loving and if things change then they do - no sense in really worrying about it - I can't do a damn thing about it :)

Well, this is short and sweet. Ciao!

Woosh!

I know it's been about a week since the "blog" but life has been so so busy. But good busy! I said it before: I feel like all the variables in the formula of life are coming together. I started bike riding AGAIN in my life and trying to get super healthy (shush, all my friends who know what I ate the last two days :)). So many things have happened in the last week that are just super exciting to me.

First: I rode 18 miles yesterday and it felt so freaking good!!! I want to ride all day every day. I am going to try to get in a ride today :) BUT when I was riding it was like addicting, I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to talk or think or focus on anything I just wanted to push my pedals, feel the sun and wind and relax. That's it! Just relax. Weirdly enough, as many calories as I'm burning and as much as my heart is pumping while I'm doing it - it's relaxing! That's when you know exercise meets enjoyment.

Next topic: I saw the movie the Hangover for the first time EVER! HILARIOUS!!!!! I mean freaking HILARIOUS!!! I could watch that movie over and over. Some of my favorite lines:

"I look like a dirty hillbilly"
"I pulled out my own tooth and married a hooker" "She's a nice lady!"

I mean really, there's a bunch of hilarious lines but I can't remember them all.

Next topic: I'm still totally ecstatic about work. I look forward to going, I'm fueled when I'm there and I'm smiling on the way home :) Loving it!!! I wish I would have switched earlier in life. I do believe everything happens for a reason so I totally accept that it happened now.

Next topic: My son is starting pre-school at one of the Spring Branch elementary schools - woohoo!!! He's so excited too! I love him - he's just so damn cute :) I want to eat him up every time he looks at me.

Next topic:

So Ready

Sometimes it's hard for me to accept reality. I am very quick to acknowledge when I am having a hard time with it and I generally know what I need to do and do it. I am human and I waver back and forth over what I know I should do and I want to do. In the end my mind will win over my heart but it just sucks!

Next topic: I just want to find someone - not intimate - just someone who likes to hang out as much as I do and do the same things - is that too much to ask for? I don't know why I have this need lately but I do. I feel like when I want to go hang out on the grass or at the coffee shop and just chillax no one wants to. Why am I right here right now in my life? I don't know - just thinking out loud. In a weird mood today. I am a very social creature and sometimes I need to feed that side of me :(

Next topic: Did have a great evening! I went and rode my bike at Terry Hershey Park - wow! Recently I had only ridden Braes Bayou with my friend Forrest. It's nice and level - but TH Park is a whole new terrain for my unseasoned legs - I mean those little hills were little and my ding dong ass was almost at a standstill trying to get up them on my bike :( Give me a few months :)I will be ready to rock and roll! I'm ready for my legs to be back in shape the way they used to be and I am on my way :) As long as I don't fall out of routine I should be in good shape by the new year :) I am quite proud of myself as far as exercise and eating choices goes - I feel like I am totally in control of what I am eating and my exercise - I'm loving it!!! I love the feeling I have when I am done riding and getting in my car - such accomplishment!

Next Topic: Why is it that when I am happy for something in my life there are people who don't know how to be happy for me? I mean really? Just because people don't agree with me doesn't mean they can't be happy for me - right? It just sucks when I am all loud and proud about my new job and all someone can look at me and say is "oh, do you still have benefits?" Well, I do actually, I have the benefit of doing what makes me happy! That's my benefit - not the mention that half the damn country doesn't have benefits but I'm the retard? Anyhoo - just venting on that note.

Anyhoo! Nite Nite :)

Woohoo!!!

So the Greek Festival weekend is over! Working at the restaurant during this time was AWESOME!!! It was crazy crowded, packed, loud and high energy! Most of my coworkers were exhausted by the end of the night but not yours truly. I was so pumped and fueled by the end of the night.

So, the most motivating part of last night was the music. Although Greek music is probably at the bottom of my list the music was so high energy that I couldn't help but move to the beat as I ran around the place.

There were so many people - it was PACKED! It doesn't help that I am short and everyone towers over me. So I get to push people out of the way, call everyone baby and sweetie, and when they don't budge I get to yell, "please get the fuck out of my way unless you want these drinks all over the back of your shirt" ha! I really didn't yell that at anyone, but the thought crossed my mind. Truly, there were some regulars that were always looking out for me and clearing the path.

When you add loud, great dance music + lots of people + great energy = you get my dream job :) Not that I want that environment every day but for a weekend it was great!

It's all over now :( Back to the real world. Looking forward to get into a regular work schedule.

Anyhoo-let the week begin.

Greekiness

FINALLY!! Finally, I made it back to the Greek Festival to eat the oh so freaking yummy souvlaki. My tradition is souvlaki, loukumades and a bottle of wine. This year I didn't do the wine, but the souvlaki is really the goal. SCORE! I ate two of them. I don't know what it is about the damn things but crap they are gooooood! The last two years I was out of town and couldn't make it. Really, it might have been several years since I've been, hmmm...I don't really remeember the last time I went. :(

What I do remember is: when Tay lived in Austin and her car was in the shop or something so I drove all the way up, picked her up, came back to Houston, went to the festival and drove her all the way back. Oh, to be crazy again - ha! Just kidding, I would do that again today. We all know I would do anything for my TayTay.

Tay and I met in drama class the first day of 6th grade because of our common ethnicity: Greek. She anchored my heart and never left :) Truly, the sister I never had, but worth of second of the relationship. I would do ANYTHING for Tay and she knows it. Not out of cockiness, but out of trust. She knows (or at least I hope) that I all I need to hear is "Eleni, I need..." and that's it - I'm there. And, in all honesty, she would do the same.

Our friendship goes back 26 years!!! We have seen each other through MADNESS!! But sooooo much GOODNESS! Laughed, cried, sang, sat quietly, shared, gosh, and so much more. We have shared every bit of life together. Weddings, funerals, babies, divorces, school, boys, parental craziness, etc, etc. Really, just think about 26 years of life and everything that goes into it and that's us.

This post was suppose to be about Greek stuff, but Tay is a much better topic :) Anyhoo - we haven't lived in the same city or even the same state for...oh, I don't know, mabye eight years. But for us, it's just the same :) The only sad part is not getting to see her son grow up :(

So, through the years our families have become close as well. Somewhere along the long I intruded myself into hers a little more thouroughly - ha! That's okay, she has an awesome, dysfunctional, great family! I love them all!!!

Anyhoo - a little history their for ya :)

So Happy Right Now

You know, I am totally not perfect. There are and have been things in my life that have made me a little sad recently but I really try to focus on the positive. I know that I ALWAYS make these crazy life threatning jokes about the most random things in life but I truly know when something is not in my control and I don't try to control it. Examples: 1) I got this painfully nasty staple injury on my thumb the other week and the words out of my mouth were "oh my God, is my thumb going to fall off?" and when I'm driving and I pull out into traffic I usually say something like "oh my God, we're gonna die!" ha! I don't know why I say these things, it's funny to me. I know they are not going to happen. The reason I'm saying these things is because I feel like all my blogs are so happy and energetic and I am mostly in that frame of mind (90%) BUT I do get sad, even depressed at times, I am by no means perfect nor will I ever be. I just don't want people reading my blog thinking "what the hell? she's so aggravatingly happy :)" I am a very happy, energetic, optimistic, dreamy, goal oriented individual and to some, okay many, I can be very aggravating :) but I am very very sensitive and as fast as I go I am very quick to stop and smell the flowers, really I am. You have to truly know me to know that I do this :) Like the other day my friend, Amanda, and I were walking Terry Hershey and we were totally in our groove walking fast and pushing my son in his stroller. But when my eye caught the most peaceful bird sitting on a sign and I had to stop and look for a minute. My faithful Libra in me - always trying to balance. :)

Anyway, I am very happy right now. Yesterday was a beautiful day outside - not only did I get to be outside during daylight hours but even when I go to work I get to be out in the weather because most of our business is outside. Do you know how happy that makes me?

I get to work night hours and I am such a night person. I get to spend more daylight hours with my son. I love that when I'm driving home from work and it's late I can blast the radio and roll down the windows - I do that during the day too but I love the night too. I love serving food to people, I mean I LOVE food, why not? I love getting to make the hookah's :), yes, that' one of my fav's to do all night :) I love the challenge of when it's busy and trying to keep it all together. I just love it all. I love the love part of my job so much that it's makes me love the dirty parts too :) Like cleaning the hookah's - ha! This gig is just so full of instant gratification - all over the damn place.

I just feel like all of the variables in this formula of life are in alignment, you know?

Stand in One Spot

It is what it is
It's the way that I am
The look in my eyes
The way that I stand

I won't change for many
In fact, only myself
I dream and I live
With my heart on the shelf

I think big and abstract
And I follow the path
To find the zest of life
I can handle the wrath

I'm not scared of change
Or drastic and extreme
I love the challenge of life
And all that it brings

My roots are in life
Not an address or place
To experience it all
As much as it takes

One day I will stop
And stand in one spot
When my last breath is breathed
And I'm six feet in my lot

I'm Ready World

You know, I think and I analyze, repeat and rinse until it's squeaky clean :) I don't do it for long, just to get my bearings. BUT I always make a decision and move on. I don't like to waste time thinking too much...

So, I think it's funny how you choose a dream and you're like, YES!!! this is it - I'm moving to Galveston and living by the beach - to at least say I can check that dream off my list. THEN, exit minor dreams; enter bigger dreams :)

BIGGEST DREAMS: run my own coffee shop and become a writer. HELLO? Then, I was thinking and realized I'm related to a restaurant/bar/coffee shop owner AND she knows many in the writing industry. So, you think to yourself (or really myself - with my hands out in front of me like a scale) do I go to Galveston and live out a dream that truly would make me happy because I LOVE the ocean and always wanted to live by it OR do I begin to build skills for my SUPER dreams...I am all about learning something from 360 degrees, so guess what what tipped my scale? :)

You guessed it: I will be waiting tables at Byzantio's on West Gray in Houston, TX. Feel free to stop by and say hey :)

I am super excited to get to follow my dreams. I love to work with people and I love to see people having a good time and enjoying themselves - it fuels me. I remember sitting at the bar last night thinking, "wow, I won't get in trouble for being too loud anymore or laughing too much" which were typical comments to me when I worked in corporate america. How sad - I actually use to get in trouble for being myself at work. That goes to show you how much I didn't fit in corporate america.

Now, I can look back on that day I felt like I sold my soul to the devil and buy it back ;)

Listening

I discovered it last night. I went out to eat and I realized: I love listening to people talk. Last night my favorite part was listening to how much they love motorcycles and the feeling they get when they ride; oh, and the chance in life to guide their child through the choices about college and passion and the influence they hope to expose. To see the sincerity in their eyes.

The night before last with a 12 year old girl who was soooo cute!! My favorite bit was listening to her describe the beginning of the movie Resident Evil. I could have listened to her talk all night. To hear the confidence in her voice when she was describing her halloween costume, especially the confidence when she knew what to do and told her to dad to stop it.

Now, I'm not saying I can just listen to people ramble on about nothing. I'm talking about when people are really into what they talk about. I love to watch them talk about it and see their interest and passion in what they speak of. I love to watch their face and movement. Really, it is just calming to me, relaxing. It's fun to see where they are in their life and how they embrace it (or reject it). Especially, when they are speaking and you can see them thinking about it at the same time and have realizations in their head at the same time. Interesting. Truly interesting.

Don't get me wrong, I love my share of talking, but I know when to keep quiet and listen too. I know when it is someone else's turn to put it out into the world. I know when it is my turn to put it out into the world. I just find that I learn so much when I listen.

My own voice can be too loud for me at times.

No More Silhouettes

I'm ready
To rock n' roll
To make it right in my soul
Bring it all together
For once
Just once
Be me in everything I do
In my mind
My actions, my efforts

No more
Silhouettes of I what I want
Or wish
Or should have's
But truth
Honesty
Sincerity and pureness
In everything I do
My actions, my efforts

My way of life

Divorce

Although I have been sitting in Panera Bread for three hours my production is through the roof!!! Yay!! I finally finished writing up my visitation schedule - woohoo!!! Now all I have to do is submit it tomorrow and my divorce should be final soon there after. Hot damn!!!

There are so many emotions that went through my mind the first time I filled out divorce paperwork. I remember feeling like a loser, like I couldn't keep my marriage together, like now I'm going to have to check "divorced" on paperwork, that I would be considered a single mom, that my son is now to going to go "back and forth", I sincerely felt STUPID and how did I pick the wrong one.

Then it went on to why did I stay so long, what the hell was I thinking putting up with this, why didn't I have more self respect, I wasted too much time, I should have left right after the marriage, who needs marriage anyway, why do I have to wait so long for this to be over and my favorite thought of all "they should make you each contribute $1000 at the time of marriage so the cost of the divorce is equally covered".

But what the heck right? Shit happens. Life happens. We make mistakes. We learn from them. We move on. And, hopefully we don't make the same one again. At least I got my beautiful, handsome, smart, funny, witty son out of the deal :)

Having said all that, my life is actually going great and my son and I are at a good place in life.

Too Many Factors

Oh my! So I have a huge sensitivity to anesthesia that makes me extremely depressed for two to three days, or until it is completely out of my system. Yesterday I had a colonoscopy, yes, I really had one and I am blogging about it :) Anyway, they give a mild anesthesia, so of course, the depression set in yesterday. I couldn't sleep last night because of it and then today I couldn't not sleep because of it. It's weird, no? That anesthesia does this to someone? Then, I was talking to my friend Courtney and she said the same exact thing happens to her. How funny is that? Really? She even said that when she had her wisdom teeth pulled was the worst episode - same with me!! I remember waking up from my wisdom teeth being pulled and I actually woke up crying and it didn't stop for like three days.

When I was nineteen I had my gallbladder removed and I remember being depressed but the post-op pain superseded my depression :( So, although I was depressed and remember it, I remember holding my tummy in place feeling like my guts were going to fall out even more. Then when it all healed and I physically saw the incision, I realized how difficult it would have been for my guts to have fallen out of an inch and a half incision.

Then, last November I had a HUGE mass removed from my right arm and that time I clearly remember being depressed. I remember sleeping all the time (mostly because of the pain pills) but I remember wanting to coat check my responsibilities for a few days.

Well, this time, I have the anesthesia depression AND PMS. Hello!!! Can you say toxic concoction? Say it with my "toooxiiic coooncooooctiiiooonn". Last night I was crying, this morning I was crying. I only slept last night from like two until five-thirty and then again from seven until ten and then AGAIN from two until about four. What the heck! And every moment in between I just want to lay there like a zombie.

Irony: I'm a pretty happy go lucky person. I mean, I'm not perfect, but for the most part I think I am happy. I'm not really used to being depressed and especially not crying for no reason.

So all this is just killing me. I almost even wrote a sad poem, but I had to draw the line :) I refuse to write a pity party poem - ha! That's just not me. Let me deal with something and move on! I feel like if I feed this mood it will continue, you know? For instance, in the car I was listening to some rockin' music and my mood was great. I know it will all be done by Sunday but the interim is suffocating!!!!

Boo depression! Yay life!

Woohoo! I can blog from my phone- hot dawg :) So an aggravating post surgery factor is having to pick off all the goo that remains from those things they stick

Words

Letters shuffling in my head. Words in and out. Rhyming. Synonyms. Prefixes. Suffixes. Spoonerisms. Dictionaries. Thesauruses. Words that I've said. Words that I want to say. The etymology of words. The origins.

Does anyone else think about this stuff? My brain is constantly thinking about this stuff. I LOVE WORDS. I love to think about them; to learn them; to use them.

Moosehead History: My first language was Greek. My family didn't feel the need to introduce the English language in the home because I would learn in school. So, off I went into Kindergarten with English as a Second Language. Hello? I remember when my teacher would right things on the chalk board (specifically the word watermelon) and I had to learn how to spell it, read it and know the meaning. I think because I had to learn it from scratch I had a slight deficiency in vocabulary.

As I grew older, I also grew irritated and frustrated every time I would hear common words that everyone else knew and I didn't. For example, plethora. I remember hearing a friend use the word, plethora, and I had to run home and look it up. :( My inadequacy in vocabulary fed many other inadequacies, like reading. I hated reading because I spent half the time looking everything up. So I made a plan.

I don't really remember when, but I want to say it was around 18? Maybe, I could be totally off, it could very well have been middle school or even college. I just don't remember. I bought a pocket dictionary and began a mission. I looked up five words a week and had to use them EVERY day. Oh yes! Every day! The task was challenging but well worth it. I started to read more on purpose and took the time to look up every word I was unfamiliar with. TIME CONSUMING!!! but an investment.

Through all these efforts my vocabulary grew tremendously and my reading skills were at a peripheral advantage. I found myself reading every day. I couldn't put books down until they were done. I remember spending an entire day or even two reading non stop to finish. I even remember being sad that books would end.

I guess this is the origin of my love of words. And books for that matter. Something else I picked up along the way: I will always ask what something means if I don't know, no matter how common it sounds.

The Revamp

Okay. So I am going to revamp my blog in the upcoming days. Be patient with me :( I will break it down into three blogs. One for simple journal blogging, one for my poetry and one for my reviews. Check it out in a couple of days. I posted my first review today :)

The Path

My, my
What the world didn't know
Is that my heart goes with the flow
With every punch I roll
And through the parks I always stroll

I can not seem to escalate
My anger past what's not it's fate
I take what life brings in stride
I just sit back and enjoy the ride

An obstacle is just a guide
Not a reason to run and hide
To look around and see what's there
And figure out which path I dare.

I miss you blog :(

OH MY!!! A week of not blogging could truly kill me :( Where do I begin? So many things happened since my last blog. First, I went to Disney World with my four year old son, a friend of mine and another friend's son. Second, I was let go from my job. Third, new life plan - going to New York City for a few weeks (maybe a month, depending).

Let's go in order: Disney World! Woohoo!!! Loved it! Stayed at the Marriott Grand Vista, which is an amazing resort and very reasonably priced. On day one we went to Universal Studios and Ryan rode his first roller coaster - The Mummy. It was an awesome ride. And Zach shivered through this first ride, a simulator :( Day two: Zach and I chilled at the resort. We swam (well, I did, Zach hates water), hung out at the pool bar/restaurant and watched TV. A very relaxing day 2 it was. Day 3: are you ready? Wait for it...wait for it...Magic Kingdom. AWESOME!!! Zach rode his first roller coaster - Thunder Mountain and didn't like it one bit. Maybe he was switched at birth? Everything I love he loathes. I simply don't understand. But we had so much fun!

Number two on the list: I found out on Friday, in the middle of my vacation, via text, that I was let go at work. What the hell!!! My favorite is that they emailed me the letter. Yes folks, email. Companies are apparently not above that - really? Not to my face. No cojones? But the beauty of news #2 is that I get to jump right into topic number #3.

I'm going to NYC baby!!! Yes, yes, yes...for at least two weeks. Really it's to help out my mom with packing up the apartment, but don't think I won't get in some playtime ;) I'm so stoked! especially in the fall - how beautiful! The downer is that I will probably be up there during my birthday :( and the other downer is that I will miss all my friends, but I will have a glass of wine for each of them :) I am daydreaming about where I will be eating: El Porron, Joe's Shanghai, OH! the felafel man on Park Avenue (the BEST, I mean the BEST, felafel sandwiches in the WORLD)...oh, the list goes on and on :)

Anyhoo - This is just the beginning of many changes to come but NYC is definetely a good break to get it all started :)

Good night!

Dreamy

I am not sure how it happens, a bug
The tickle, the tug
In my head and all the while
It widens my smile

From ear to ear it gapes
A window as my happiness escapes
My eyes so dreamy and lost
The image in my mind embossed

Of what a love by two could be
Only an image embraced by me
Of holding hands and walking close
It's in my mind as just a ghost

The thought will not solidify
Not this day or until I die

When I Ride

When I ride,
I like the push
Of the wind.
The resistance
Against my skin -
My lungs

If could close my eyes
And just listen
I would enjoy it that way
The night,
Is that way
I am incapable to see it--
As well.
But I can hear it--
Well.

The day brings it that way
To my eyes
My vision
My sense of sight
I would benefit
From the colors
The movements
The actions
Both near and far

Any time
I can smell
Feel
Touch
The whole experience
When I ride

Destiny VS. Coincidence

Does anyone ever think about this?

My first year in college and my philosophy professor asked us that question and then asked us to write a paper to defend it. That's when my wheels started turning. Until this day I think about the question and how confused I am by my own beliefs. It's weird. I thought I knew what my opinion was in this matter but I remember sitting in that class and realizing "My opinion is quite flawed". In the grand scheme of things does it matter, NO, but I like to think about topics like this.


According to www.dictionary.com:

des·ti·ny   /ˈdɛstəni/ Show Spelled[des-tuh-nee] Show IPA
–noun, plural -nies.
1. something that is to happen or has happened to a particular person or thing; lot or fortune.
2. the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.
3. the power or agency that determines the course of events.
4. ( initial capital letter ) this power personified or represented as a goddess.
5. the Destinies, the Fates.

co·in·ci·dence   /koʊˈɪnsɪdəns/ Show Spelled[koh-in-si-duhns] Show IPA
–noun
1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance: Our meeting in Venice was pure coincidence.
2. the condition or fact of coinciding.
3. an instance of this.


When I read the definitions and discussed it in class, some 14 years ago, I remember sitting in my chair and thinking "all this time, and I don't even know, hmmm". Regardless, I LOVE to explore the discussion :)

I enjoy looking at the topic from a few positions. I would like to look at them bit by bit so I may process and study a little bit more. I don't want to post any analysis ignorantly. Hopefully sometime this week I will post the Christian views.

Please feel free to post your opinions or comments on this subject. Even if your comments are challenging, I welcome it because it makes me learn more about my beliefs.

Natural to Me

I know it is there
Inside my soul
Waiting to escape
To love, to hold
To give

You see,
When I can’t love
My pain grows

I like to-
Give
To love
To pour out my soul
To spoil

I love to share
And laugh
And smile
When I can do these things
My heart grows
I am happy

I can love with my eyes
With my heart
Like my breath
It is natural
To my physical being

I am cheerless
Because my love
Is so so stuck
In me…

Home

Where is home?
For my heart
For my soul
For my head to rest at night
On my way,
My mind won’t dread
Any part of settling in

To make me feel –
Whole, happy and sweet…

Kids...

My favorite part of dropping Zachary off at school is when we get out of the car in the parking garage and he runs to take my hand. There is such a sweetness when his hand is mine...it just melts my heart. I can see us in my mind, me: 35 and 5 foot four (I won't mention the weight :)) and him: 4, 3 foot six and 36 pounds. I look down and think about the day he will be as tall as me, as old as me. When his little hands will no longer be so soft and little. He relies on me and loves me; wherever I go he wants to go. He likes the music I like and even makes my songs his favorites. He always wants to hug and kiss me. Even when he acts like a boy he makes me giggle :)

As sweet as that moment was I walked into his classroom and then there's this other kid (who will remain nameless) but I couldn't refrain laughter. I was like the evil parent laughing at other kids. I felt soo bad but I couldn't help myself. This kid, we'll call him X. So as I'm walking up to the classroom X drops to his knees and starts the most dramatic, loud cry. Like the world was coming to an end and he was going to be left behind. He starts grasping at my clothes like a freaking movie scene and I just BUSTED out laughing. The teacher says "oh, he does that sometimes". I was like "he does this everytime I walk in the room, is he okay?". "Oh, ya, he just does this for no reason". I was laughing all the way to work - if you could have seen his eyes becoming bloodshot and the alligator teardrops shooting out. I'm sorry but it was such a funny site :) Yes, I feel guilty but sometimes you can't stop the laughter.

Then last night, my little Zachary in the car: Mommy, I want to sleep over at aunt Jenny's tomorrow night.
Mom: really? are you sure?
Zach: yes mom, really. I want to sleep over at aunt Jenny's. I love Jenny and Ryan and Jared, oh and Jason.
Mom: Okay I will ask.

Ten more minutes into the car ride: Mommy, who made the earth?
Mom: God did honey
Zach: Why mom? Why did he build it?
Mom: I don't know Zach, that's a good question. I will have to think about that one...hmmm.
Zach: I want some of the earth mommy - for myself
Mom: Okay sweetie ;)

Degrees...

Topic for the morning: degrees.

Does having a degree make someone: Smarter? More knowledgeable? Have a higher IQ? More responsible? More educated? More well rounded?

I don't have a college degree, in fact, I dropped out of high school the DAY I turned 17. So, I missed out on nearly 3 years of high school - THREE YEARS. When I started college four years later I placed in college classes. What exactly did I miss? I mean, high school is suppose to prep you for college, right? Yet, I hardly went to high school and still made it directly into college - again, what did I miss? What were they going to teach me that I "needed" for college? Apparently nothing.

Then, let's go a step further...

College degrees. Don't get me wrong, people who go through college and get institutionally educated - yay you!!! I'm not saying it's a waste of time, money or emotional investment - I'm just saying it's not for everyone. Also: don't get me wrong, I think there are specialized fields that one MUST be institutionally educated for, such as medicine. Obviously, I'm not making a statement and assuming it applies to everything or everyone.

I work in corporate America. I meet with executives. I analyze multi million dollar transactions. I analyze market quotes and ensure we are within limits. I mean, where would a degree have benefited me?

If you asked me when I was 9 - 12 years old what I wanted to be I would have told you a writer; asked me when I was 14 I would have told you an aeronautical engineer; asked me when I was 19 I wanted to join the Navy; asked me when I was 20 I simply wanted to travel the world and be a citizen of the universe; asked me when I was 25 I wanted to travel the US exposing the political opinions of people (with Tammy :)); asked me when I was 26 I wanted to run my own IT business so I could live on the beach in Cozumel (again with Tammy - yay MOTI :)); when I was 33 I wanted run my own greeting card company and make them all artistically by hand; ask me now that I'm 35 I just want to be happy, a writer and live my life to the fullest.

When I was little I remember thinking to myself: My goal in life is to be able to hold a conversation people from every facet of life.

Have I achieved this? I think so.

I think back through all the experiences in my life and I was able to do some pretty cool stuff. Traveled so much when I was younger. Worked in great places and met some awesome people. At no point in my life did I feel the "great need" to get a degree. I went to school and started because I simply love learning - LOVE IT!!! but the degree was never a goal to fulfill me. I enjoyed taking classes in college that made me happy and I wanted to learn about - I could be a professional student - ha!

I never felt that an institution should grade my intelligence. I don't know why. I feel like my life experiences with my constant need to learn provides me a well balanced status that many will never get to obtain. Am I weird for this?

I think anyone can read a book and take a test, and do it over and over again until they have reached their mark - 120+ hours. And you know what, I have bought calculus books from Barnes and Noble and read them at home because it interests me - not because I have to. Or read about literature and philosophy - because they INTEREST me. Even economics interests me. I learn to truly learn - when I learn something it pretty much sticks, I don't learn to pass some paper test. I learn to build my knowledge base in life. I also learn through experiences. I learn from cultures and religions. Not just books. Books can't put it all in there :(

I know that through my corporate career I was passed up for promotions because I didn't have a degree and the hiring manager found out quickly that the one with the degree was a dumb ass - in fact the manager's husband said that when you look into her eyes all you can see is the back of her head...hmmm. This passing of the lenster happened on many occasions and it was a little frustrating but I realized that it is what it is.

I can't make people look at me differently and that's okay. I know at the end of the day that my lack of degree doesn't give me a deficiency.

I am extremely smart, knowledgeable, high IQ'd, responsible, educated and well rounded. AND I can sit at the table with people from any facet of life and hold a great conversation. The beauty of it all is that attained all this through my own desire not because I paid someone to teach me. Desire - maybe I can get a degree in desire :) Now that I have a PHD.

Anyhoo - education come from many factions: books, experience, common sense, etc. I can't judge someone by a piece of paper on the wall.

Just Went...

So, Jenny and I had a discussion many moons ago and she looked at me and said, "what if we get in the car and just went somewhere, anywhere". Since then, my escape description is to "just went". I am ready for a "just went" moment in my life. Sometimes I just want a break. To sit on a beach and vegetate, watch the waves and listen, feel the sand in my toes and the salt bake on my skin. To me that is the ultimate escape. I don't want to give up on my life or any of that, I just want a little escape from everything. Does anyone ever feel that way? Am I weird for this feeling?

When I picture my perfect life this is what I see: I see me in a Jeep, living on the beach, working somewhere I can serve people and be a writer(I am a true servant - I love to serve people, I don't know why) whether it be waiting tables or working non-profit, I want to eat food from the ocean and grow my own vegetables and herbs. I also, want a great entertaining house; not anything fancy but something I LOVE, on the patio have a chiminea or fire pit for cooler nights and cute lights, a grill for all the yummy seafood, somewhere Zachary can around and no one complains and his friends can always come over and play, somewhere I can have all my friends over and sit outside and chat and drink wine. In the mornings I want to be able to sit out on a porch or patio and listen to the ocean and drink my tea or coffee - even when it's cold outside (that's actually my favorite - is the beach in the winter all bundled up), I like to sit in a rocking chair and put my feet on the rail (my fave!), yes...this is what I want.

Then I look at my life and wonder am I doing anything to move towards this? No.
Am I working in the service industry or writing? No. (except for my fun blog)
Do I own a jeep? No.
Do I live near the water? No.
Does Zachary have somewhere to play? No.

So what the heck!?! What am I doing in my life to make me happy? It kinda looks like nothing! I thought I just needed to make a plan for my career move but it looks like I might need to make a plan for my entire life. Woohoo!!! This is the fun stuff in life, right? When you get to make changes :)

So, I definitely need to "just went" whether it's for a weekend or even a day but it's time to get this ball rolling...

I just want a raggedy jeep
No doors or top
Just loud music to feed my soul
No shoes on my feet
So I can feel the pedals under my toes

I like wind blown hair
Tank tops and shorts
I can drive all day
And watch the scenery go by
I'll stop any moment along the way
To make sure I've seen it all

I consider myself a little bohemian
To learn from life lessons
I let my hair hang down
I walk on the grass with my barefeet
And I don't need the monetary things

That's not what makes me happy
Not the things I hold
But the things I cherish
The sand under my feet

A smile
A glance
A touch
Nothing to buy
Can fulfill me

Highlights

OMG!!! I went through my big closet with Jenny yesterday evening and we CLEANED IT OUT!!!! Out of 15 boxes there is only 1 left. Still a few boxes to go through but I love the PURGE :) AND lots of stuff for the garage sale...yay!!!! I'm cleansing...I said it in my poem and I'm doing it. "My heart needs an impurity cleanser..." It's time for some changes in my life so don't be surprised if weird s%!t starts happening. I am on a mission and for those of you who know me, know that when I have my eye on a target I'm going to get a bulls eye :)

I am tired of having things in my life control my happiness. It's time to take charge - it's time for me to control my happiness. Right? Yes, it may sound silly but sometimes you have to go through a literal cleansing to get to the emotional/spiritual/career cleansing...did you get that hint ;) ha!

My old manager at Marathon told me a little story once and it is a good guide in life. It goes like this:

A man walks up to an old timey general store and a dog is laying there moaning. Another man is sitting in a rocking chair next to the moaning dog.
The man who walks up asks the man sitting "why is the dog moaning?"
"Because he's laying on a nail"
"why doesn't he get up?"
"because it doesn't hurt bad enough"

Aha! WEll, the nail is killing me and it's time to get up. Yes, sometimes I live in a life of parables :) but if that's how I learn, so be it! Next, I have to make a plan, but needless to say, I'm freakin' excited for the changes that are going to happen in my life! EXCITED!!!! I'm ready, willing and totally able!!!

Anyhoo - OH! Last night at like 1 am Jenny and I went to House of Pies and guess what? We found a Fabio/White Snake hybrid. HA! Yes, we drove around twice just to get a good look at him...quite funny. Where do people come from? Do they never look in the mirror? I don't mean to judge, truly, but come on people? The 80's happened 20+ years ago.

So, my day is ready to go. Unfortunately, I am at work until about 3ish today. Then a good rothko visit.


Have a good day!!!

Fun Times...

So, here are a series of events that can make anyone admit life is good...

1) Pub quiz charity event at Gallant Knights (where I discovered a super drink!)
2) 59 Diner breakfast for lunch (I love dipping toast in the yolk of over medium eggs)
3) Super good company and conversation - that never runs dry
4) Awesome music
5) A Whole Foods picnic on the living room floor consisting of: 4 different cheeses, a pickled assortment, some good a$$ salami thing, ciabatta bread, rasberries, good white wine
6) OH, did I mention good company and good conversation?

Really? Does it get any better :) Honestly, people, you should be jealous ;) It's good times like this that make me happy and realize how good it is to have people in your life to share them with.

Corporations

And so I have surrendered
To the wrath of corporations
My heart needs an impurity cleanser
Cause it is filled with trash and ignores my imagination

And so, the ladder stands
With its shadow on the ground
I stare at the palms of my hands
Hoping nobody is around

This moment I have dreaded
Afraid of this corruption my entire life
Always thought to be quite level headed
Should I surrender and just be a wife?

Overwhelmed by the size of the structure
Minute next to the entity of power
The strength and force could easily puncture
A whole into the delicate petal of a flower

The wrath could knock me out
Off the top step of this ladder
I’d loose all of my influence and clout
And then wonder why did all of this matter

E.D. Vastakis
Late 1998

What to do...

I can't take it anymore :( Corporate America kills me. It makes me sad to know that I am contributing to such a faction of society :( I want to do something worth while - that makes me feel good about myslef. So when I walk away I know I've contributed to the good of the world. There was a day that working in corporate america was a poison to my thoughts. I gave in. I surrendered to capitalism and monetary satisfaction.

In 1998 I took my first position working for an oil & gas company. I wrote a poem about it. I read it for the first time in 12 years and I can still remember the feeling I had like it was yeterday. I will post it after this entry. It makes me sad. I know life happens and you have to support your kids. How is it good for Zachary to see me not happy with my choices in life or not seeing me stick to what I believe in. It makes me sad to think that he will know this side of me. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach.

I want Zachary to stand up for what he believes in and make sacrifices accordingly. Not to give in to societal pressures. I want to him to go after his dreams. I want him to see me do these things and use me as a role model.

A lot to think about lately on this matter :( Lots of soul searching. As usual, I will roll with the punches and make the best choices I can.

I figured it out...

I figured out why I like the soreness after exercising. Becuase I feel like I have built muscle when I am sore, which then means each pound of muscle is burning a natural 35 calories per pound (per day - i think it's 35 calories, or around there) for just being there, which then makes me feel like I have made an impact on my goals, which then makes me feel good :)

This is why it is so important to strength train along with cardio. People are under this illusion that they need to burn off excess fat before they should build muscle - but they go hand in hand. The more muscle you build the more calories you burn throught the day, the more fat you burn.

I missed out on belly dancing yesterday because my friend Amanda cancelled :(

I'm telling you all - excercise is going to be part of my life forever!

Three Things to Talk About :)

1) BRILLIANT!!!!! That park they just renovated at Market Square (I think that's what it's called) has a Niko Niko's walk up stand built in - how cools is that!!!! and a stage, chairs and tables, and a dog park - it just looks cool!!!! I need to visit La Carafe - haven't been there in ages -but it is a COOL bar.

2) 59 Diner - woke up laughing to myself thinking about Saturday night. Picked up a friend at 1:30 a.m. and we didn't leave until 4 ish...oh the night crawlers!!! it was so much fun!!! I love to people watch - yes, it is entertaining in the middle of the night. It is sad that I'm laughing at some but it is just sooo fascinating to see people from all facets of life. Even the non-typical ones. I feel bad sometimes because I just love to stare at them, but it's not out of meanness just because I think they are so interesting. I wonder what they do for a living, do they look like this during business hours, why do they dress so strange, just questions....just curious.

3) Exercise - yesterday I did pilates. Ouch! It works your core so it is very concentrated isolated work. It is HARD but a great workout. When we were done I had jello legs for quite some time, then today I am a little sore but you know it's always the second day that stinks!!! :) Again, totally worth it. SECRET: when I am sore in a particular muscular area, I repeatedly flex it to feel the pain :) To remind me how good it is :) NO JOKE! So, exercise is going to become part of my life. That's it! I love it, it makes me feel good, sleep good, carry less stress physically. Why would I keep it out? Hello? Why does anyone keep it out? All the health benefits that come with it: it helps regulate any of the "highs" - blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. It helps bone density. What else? Oh, I don't know but it just keeps your whole body, mind and soul in check and that is a great thing!

Hmmm...now I'm thinking again. About our souls - how do we feed our souls? That's a whole different entry ;)

NOTE: I am NOT a doctor so please don't adjust any regimen in your life based on my blog ;)

Funny Article

I wrote this article quite sometime ago and the incident intself was probably 15 years ago. I thought it was funny reading it :) So, enjoy.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2157487/no_heat_and_no_window_.html?cat=16

Like Ducks

Our bodies
Like ducks
Repel water
Gliding in life
Happy, together, enjoyable

Our thoughts, emotions
Like the feet of a duck
Working so hard
To get there
But there never comes

There keeps moving further
And further
Away…

Like ducks we must dip
And cleanse
Start fresh
And keep swimming

One day we will look back
And see
How far we swam

The Bottom of the Ocean

My thoughts settle
Sink
Weighted down
Like concrete blocks in water
Streaming down
To the bottom of the ocean

In the clouds of sand
Murky and confused
Struggling to see clearly
My hands swatting
As if,
I can grab each spec
One by one
Of the sand
Of the salt
And make way for me to see

Whew!

Back in the saddle! Ugh! Woke up not feeling so hot today and didn't get to work until 12 :( I totally think it was the pork sandwich I ate at the mexican/japanese restaurant. Getting a little better and I HAD to come into the office because we are crosstraining with someone who is leaving on Friday. :(

These are my thoughts today: Stress - something that happens to me but I have some weird ability to get over it pretty quickly. I was talking about this yesterday with Jen and I guess I don't really worry about things, even major things, because I feel worrying doesn't solve anything so why worry. Does that make sense? I'm not saying I'm perfect, there are times when I am royally pissed or upset or even stressed and I can't let it go, but for the most part I don't really stress over things. Also, sometimes people think that because I don't "look" like I'm stressing about something physically that I'm not thinking about it. Not true.

Here's how my brain works: 1) a problem arises 2) I have an initial reaction 3) I gain composure and decide to attack the problem 4) make a plan, lay everything out in front of me 5) act on it 6) actually get excited about fixing it. This is literally how I work. Probably the only thing I'm very methodical on. Most of the time I'm swirving all over the road.

I feel like stressing over things doesn't make it go away or get better. I'm not saying I don't do anything about it - I totally act on it but I just can't bring myself to stress over it :/ I feel like stressing makes me crazy and who wants to live life in a state of crazy? Right?

Needless to say, I am really good in crisis situations :) ha!

I don't know how I manage but I always believe whatever I'm going through - it could always be worse. AND NO MATTER WHAT - the glass is always half full.

Anyhoo - this is my spiel for the day :)

Who needs men :)

After staring at a very odd sized box in my room since Tuesday, Jenny and I put together bubs' bunkbed. The bed is from ikea...does thAt tell you how many bits there were? Two and a half hours later we have accomplishment! Wooohooo!!! Nite nite :)

Oh my, it's Sunday

Well, first of all, yay!!! Jen is my first and only follower :) LOL! Not that it really matters I write for myself but it is funny. Back at the office for a little Sunday work :( I'm sooooo tired and I still have to go home and put together Zach's bed. I had a super yummy lunch at this Mexican/Japanese fusion place - ha! It cracks me up but I got a vietnamese pork sandwich and it was super yummy!!!! Yes, there was soccer game on the big screens, there was latin music playing throughout and my to go bag was from Myiako's? hmmmm - rather questionable, no?

I got my aunt's bike today and I'm ready. I have yoga tomorrow, belly dancing tuesday and hopefully a good bike ride on Friday. Thursday I have some fundraiser at the Gallan Knight, which sounds like a blast! It is a pub quiz. Then on Sunday I have another fundraiser at Hickory Hollow to raise money for Sam B? I can't remember her last name but that sounds fun too, they are going to have a live band line up, art and food - hello? Does it get any better than that?!? OH! And then on Saturday I'm having a garage sale at my aunt's house.

I am truly a lover of live music. I can pretty much listen to anything live. It's my happy place :)

This week sounds tooo busy for me - I love everything I'm going to be doing but it almost makes me want to go hide under the comforter all week :) just kidding - I look forward to it - it's not very often I have something scheduled everyday. I'm exhausted just reading my own blog :)

Well, I'd better get some work done. I'm sure I will post again before I leave ;)

Ciao!

Pictures

Please note: all the pictures I post are my very own. Are they good? Probably not to you :) To me they are perfect! Tehehe. Most of the recent pics I post are from New York last year. Some are from here, but mostly New York because that's what I have loaded on this computer - ha!

I love to take pictures. I don't know why - I just know that when I find something I want to take a picture of my heart doesn't settle until I go get it...does anyone get that feeling about stuff? I'm even more like that with my writing.

Maybe it's my need to have the 360 degree perspective on things. Hmmm...I've never really thought about it before but when I do take pictures of things there is usually a long thought process that goes with it too. I will have to pay attention more often to see what my pattern is - not that it matters ;)

Anyway, I just wanted everyone to know that I'm not just sticking pictures up here for the sake of sticking pictures - that they are mine.

Peace out :)

How Do I Turn It Off?

My stomach in knots
As if holding my breathe
As if I hold it long enough
My wish will come true

And sadness looms
In my eyes
In my heart
How do I stop it?
Let it go?

How do I turn it off?

How do I stop thoughts?
Like a broken record
Over and over
Without desire to stop

Like thoughts
Want to torture me
And put tape on the switch
So my hand constantly
Slips over it
And can’t grasp
How

How do I turn it off?

Saturday

What is it about having to come up to work on a Saturday that pisses me off?!!! So we have a coworker who resigned and the only way for me to keep the workload and crosstraining in check is to work this weekend. I feel like someone is taking a little bit of my freedom :( I don't have to do it often so I'm not really complaining - it's just aggravating!!!! Anyhoo - I guess I should be working instead of blogging - tehehe.

Recap of Last Night

I finally saw my friend Courtney after a couple of months. I love how she and I pick up right where we left off. We might see each other 4 times a year and our conversations don't skip a beat. I love our friendship! She's one cool chick! We are total yin and yang :) I'm hyper, curious, spaz and she's calm, complacent and quiet. It's rather funny how well we get a long but we do. We have some of the most in depth conversations sometimes that I know I could only have with her. Funny. But then we have our girly days where we can talk about hair and nails and other mindless topics we choose. LOVE HER!!!

Well, she had a "ladies" party last night. If you know what that is then yay you - if not, I'm sorry, I'm not going to explain. When you get 8 women in a room to talk about these things it is something funny :) I mean we were 8 women with different levels of intensity about the topic - but i definetely learned a few a things ;) It was a blast and hilarious and even intriguing.

On my way home, I got on the phone with a couple of friends - each on a different phone call - and because my house has the world's worst reception I drove around in loops to talk on the phone for like an hour and half. I literally used a quarter of a tank of gas to talk on the phone. As I decided to end the conversations/drive my phone juice was running low and I realized I left my charger at Courtney's house - out in Katy. Not Mason/Fry Katy but old, historic Katy. UGH!!!! I wanted to shoot myself. At 1 a.m. I zipped right past my driveway and continued onto I-10, again. Back allllll the way to her house (she was sooo kind to get up at 1ish and put my charger on her doorknob), picked up my charger and made it back home by 1:45 a.m.

Waking up this morning was, let's say, not gonna happen. I was in and out of naps until about 1 in the afternoon :( What a wasted day! Maybe that's why I'm pissed about coming in today. :(

You know what it is? I'd rather be sitting somewhere reading and people watching.

Complacent

A swan dive
Into my hopes
My fears
Anxieties

Why do we have them?
To keep us moving-
Thinking?
To keep us on our toes?

How is complacency
Never apparent?
But to be educated-
Always apparent?
Longing to learn-
Differences

One Beat

The beauty in life
When you are unhappy
In a moment
Just wait
Another moment will arrive

The moments will happen
With our without you
Embrace them
Each great moment
Is only a beat in the rhythm

Movie - Before the Devil Knows Your Dead

Oh! Em! Gee!

Being that I had a crappy day, my friend John said I could pick any movie I wanted. I could have picked any chick flick I wanted. So, I picked Before the Devil Knows Your Dead. Ethan Hawke and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are both phenomenal actors and in this film they rocked.What I thought was going to be a total action film turned out to be a very thought provoking, emotional roller coaster. The plot takes turns that are unfathomable to my tiny human mind. Turns and turns that are gut wrenching and diseased to what most people think is normal. In the beginning the plot jumps to what you think is the climax but oh, does the plot thicken (no pun intended). I little slow in the beginning but fantastic movie. A little dark. I mean I saw things that blew me out of the water!!! You watch it and you think "what the hell!"

One of the things that really struck me about this movie is companionship. Companionship should be easy and simple. It made me think about what I want or look for. Really, since my separation with my ex I didn't think about that because I truly had no plans for it in my future. Watching this movie made me think about it a bit and realize what it is that I do want. I just want companionship. I can love anyone for a day or a month or even a year, but can I like someone for the rest of my life? I don't know that I ever want to get married again (not for now at least) but what I do want is someone to share my life with. I use to dream about romance but now I dream about someone whom I can talk to and share my innermost feelings. Is that weird?

I want someone that I can share my everyday, boring, mundane routine with and know that at the end of the day I can still sit down and talk about it. I want someone that I can wake up next to and just talk. That's all I want. I want someone who likes to do the same things as me. I want someone who will talk to me about life and changing and growing. I want someone who will hold my hand. I want someone who is my true partner. I want someone who will sit with me and watch the moon. I just want someone to be sitting next to me. I want someone to encourage me and inspire me.

In all of this, I want to do the same back. I have a very loving heart that scares most people away. I want someone who can handle that - everything I have to give. I want to be able to shower them with gifts and affection and love. Write them poems and take them on surprise trips. I want to be able to give 24/7 and them not get tired of me. I want to be able to see them sometimes every day and sometimes not and they don't care. I want to be able to have a girls night out and them a guys and its okay. But I want them to miss me when I'm gone. I want to have boring days where we each sit and read our own books but in the same room. I just want to know they are there.

I want to know that no matter what they will be there. Security.

I want to know that during the tough times in life they will let me be there for them.

I don't want it now or tomorrow. I want it when the time is right. I want it when I find the right person.

A companion in life. Mostly for the fun stuff and sometimes serious - is that weird?

I know this all may sound childish but these are the desires of my heart - I know, dreamy. I know this isn't going to happen tomorrow, it's just my wish list :) I just want the simple things. Nothing complicated - simple. It makes life so much easier.

Goodnight!